As I was taking a mental health break today from all the reading I've been doing lately(it never ends!), I caught up on some blogs. I found one a friend posted that caught my eye. It was titled "Confessions of a Christian That Still Struggles"It hit really close to home. I couldn't help but think God directed me.
Last semester I struggled, a lot. I started doing something new. Something I need to do more often. On a night where I was just about as overwhelmed as I thought I could be, I picked up my Bible and journal, stopped to get a cup of coffee(decaf of course) and just drove. I drove to Mount Sequoia. It has a great view of Fayetteville's landscape. It is the place I go to when all my problems seem bigger than me. When my emotions seem to take over. It has become my spot. Seeing the landscape of Fayetteville with all the buildings looking minuscule, their lights making the city so magical, brings me peace.
It reminds me that in the whole scheme of things, my problems are tiny. I am tiny. And my God is huge.
So there I was, car in park, coffee and journal in hand. I just started to write. Anything that came to my mind I wrote it down. Some good, some bad. Sentences, phrases, words. If the thought came through my head again I would circle them. Eventually I wrote a letter. To who? God, probably. I'm not really sure.
As I have been brutally honest on this blog in the past, I will today. The letter started out "Before and currently, I have this desire, this passion, to be known as the girl with struggles but put together. The independent, working-it-out-with-God, ever-promising, always looking for the positives girl. I want to be looked at and envious of how together I am..."
Fast forward to today. The blog that I mentioned above is brutally honest. It is of a girl who has faced struggle, a girl who has cried out to the Lord, asking to be given undeserving love and grace-multiple times. She talks of this idea many people have that as a Christian you really only ever can hit rock bottom once, then God takes over. She talks about how she didn't experience that. She hit rock bottom more than once.
Living for Christ is a constant struggle with an incredible feeling of satisfaction-if you can actually feel it. I love how she says "once we surrender (our lives to Christ), the enemy hops on us...trying to suffocate any peace and life that was so freely given to us..." The constant struggle I feel as a Christian is from said suffocation. I encounter things daily that tempt me. There are times when I successfully overcome the temptation and admittedly times when I give in. But isn't that what makes me human? And what makes God SO good? He accepts me despite my downfalls.
It's times when I remember that there is NOTHING, not even denouncing His existence, that could make my God stop loving me. Even if I fail, even if I turn away from Him, He will always have His eye on me. He will always be ready to forgive and give love. As the blogger says, "That love, that grace, is what gives me strength to fight my flesh and choose to live for Him. Not out of fear or obligation, but because His love and grace is so full force regardless."
I still have times when I feel overwhelmed. Last night I picked up my Bible and notebook and just wrote. Some good, some bad. Sentences, phrases, words. Then a letter. To who? God, probably.
And you know what? He was still listening.
He directed me today to a blog that confirmed I wasn't the only one feeling overwhelmed with worldly desires. To a blog that reminds me that it's okay to struggle as a Christian. To a blog that told me I'm not the only one that desires to be seen at as put together even when I'm not. To a blog that said I don't have to be put together to be seen as a strong Christian. It is the strength in admitting that struggle that makes me one. It is the strength in remembering to accept His undeserving love that makes me an accomplished follower.
So I admit to you today that I struggle. Constantly. But as I admit that, I find my strength.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Far from the straight and narrow.
Another (partial) snow day, another blog post. I realize this is the first blog post of my LAST semester of undergrad. Scary to think that I started this blog my sophomore year!! I've been trying to stay focused seeing as my last semester of school has arguably the most difficult courses yet. Whoever said senior year would be a breeze lied to me, or maybe they just didn't expect for me to be graduating on time with a combined major and double minor! In my mother's words, I'm "her favorite overachiever".
Anyway. I thought I would share some thoughts on how God has been working hard as I look back on my four years here.
Four years ago:
"Hi, my name is Abby MacDonald, I'm a freshman Psychology major from Saint Louis. I will be graduating in 2014 and going to get my masters in education so I can teach high school students from an at-risk, low income background."
I had it ALL figured out. God worked on that plan with me of course, why else would He have put Young Life in my life? Why else would I have found my deep interest in Psychology from my high school psych class? That's who I was planning on being and I was happy about it. For goodness sakes I practically looked like a teacher already-cardigans and all. God was there for me and He was leading me down the straight and narrow path. Or so I thought.
A year ago:
"Hi, my name is Abby MacDonald I am a Psychology major and Social Work and African and African American Studies double minor. I will be going to grad school (not sure why yet) and will be working in the school system most likely."
Today:
"Hi, my name is Abby MacDonald, I'm a senior combined major in Psychology and African and African American Studies with a double minor in Social Work and Anthropology. Yes I did pick up three areas of study within the last year and a half, yes I WILL be graduating on time and no I will NOT be going to grad school right away. I'm not sure exactly what I want to do but I want to find a connection to somewhere in Africa."
All this is not said to brag (although I think my parents like to brag a little bit and my sisters bored of me having to explain what I'm studying), it is said to point out that what I thought and planned on to be the straight and narrow path God set out for me was far from it. He is still working. At least I hope He is because I'm graduating in less than 100 days and still have no plan set in place for what happens after I throw my cap into the air. I know I've said it on this blog before, but God sure does have a sense of humor. He is showing me just how many twists and turns I can take. Along with the fact that those twists and turns can be fun if I let them be.
Want some more humor from God? This summer I was at my sister's wedding shower talking with Father Gary who would be marrying Kelley and Matt in no time and he asked me what I was studying. After taking a deep breath and listing what I was studying his first reaction was different than most. He said he was somewhat surprised because Psychology and Anthropology are the two areas of study with the highest numbers of Atheists. I'm pretty sure he's right. It makes sense after some of the classes I've taken-religion doesn't necessarily sit right with some of the theories and ideas.
I was talking with my mom about the fact that I am taking a course this semester to study the modernization of Witchcraft in Africa-not really an ideal topic in my mom's opinion. I'll admit, it is a little strange that I have chosen two relatively secular areas of study. But I thrive in studying the unknown. I so much enjoy studying what makes me different, or more similar, to a group of people that I didn't know about in the past. I think a good Christian does their research. In my opinion, not studying different ways of life and the benefits of such would lead me down an ignorant path. I don't say that to make Christians who don't know the ins and outs of witchcraft look bad, but for me, I want to do my research. I want to share what I've learned and make a connection back to my faith. I love finding God in unexpected places, and for me-that means studying as many different cultures and way of life as I can.
So there you have it folks. I'm still unsure of what will come after May 10th, but God is teaching me slowly but surely that it's okay. He's gotten me through these last four years, okay truthfully the last 21 years of my life, but I can't wait to see where He takes me from here on out.
Anyway. I thought I would share some thoughts on how God has been working hard as I look back on my four years here.
Four years ago:
"Hi, my name is Abby MacDonald, I'm a freshman Psychology major from Saint Louis. I will be graduating in 2014 and going to get my masters in education so I can teach high school students from an at-risk, low income background."
I had it ALL figured out. God worked on that plan with me of course, why else would He have put Young Life in my life? Why else would I have found my deep interest in Psychology from my high school psych class? That's who I was planning on being and I was happy about it. For goodness sakes I practically looked like a teacher already-cardigans and all. God was there for me and He was leading me down the straight and narrow path. Or so I thought.
A year ago:
"Hi, my name is Abby MacDonald I am a Psychology major and Social Work and African and African American Studies double minor. I will be going to grad school (not sure why yet) and will be working in the school system most likely."
Today:
"Hi, my name is Abby MacDonald, I'm a senior combined major in Psychology and African and African American Studies with a double minor in Social Work and Anthropology. Yes I did pick up three areas of study within the last year and a half, yes I WILL be graduating on time and no I will NOT be going to grad school right away. I'm not sure exactly what I want to do but I want to find a connection to somewhere in Africa."
All this is not said to brag (although I think my parents like to brag a little bit and my sisters bored of me having to explain what I'm studying), it is said to point out that what I thought and planned on to be the straight and narrow path God set out for me was far from it. He is still working. At least I hope He is because I'm graduating in less than 100 days and still have no plan set in place for what happens after I throw my cap into the air. I know I've said it on this blog before, but God sure does have a sense of humor. He is showing me just how many twists and turns I can take. Along with the fact that those twists and turns can be fun if I let them be.
Want some more humor from God? This summer I was at my sister's wedding shower talking with Father Gary who would be marrying Kelley and Matt in no time and he asked me what I was studying. After taking a deep breath and listing what I was studying his first reaction was different than most. He said he was somewhat surprised because Psychology and Anthropology are the two areas of study with the highest numbers of Atheists. I'm pretty sure he's right. It makes sense after some of the classes I've taken-religion doesn't necessarily sit right with some of the theories and ideas.
I was talking with my mom about the fact that I am taking a course this semester to study the modernization of Witchcraft in Africa-not really an ideal topic in my mom's opinion. I'll admit, it is a little strange that I have chosen two relatively secular areas of study. But I thrive in studying the unknown. I so much enjoy studying what makes me different, or more similar, to a group of people that I didn't know about in the past. I think a good Christian does their research. In my opinion, not studying different ways of life and the benefits of such would lead me down an ignorant path. I don't say that to make Christians who don't know the ins and outs of witchcraft look bad, but for me, I want to do my research. I want to share what I've learned and make a connection back to my faith. I love finding God in unexpected places, and for me-that means studying as many different cultures and way of life as I can.
So there you have it folks. I'm still unsure of what will come after May 10th, but God is teaching me slowly but surely that it's okay. He's gotten me through these last four years, okay truthfully the last 21 years of my life, but I can't wait to see where He takes me from here on out.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
What do Frankl, Mandela, a dog, and Jesus all have in common?
What a better time to cozy up with a warm cup of coffee, a blanket and my computer to write a blog post than when I'm snowed in?? The town of Fayetteville has essentially shut down because of a little less than a foot of snow, so it has given me ample time to study, sleep, and put some thought into this blog post.
A lot has happened in the past week. Along with studying for some pretty difficult finals I have had to say goodbye to my sweet dog, Billy, who was the best pet a person could ask for. I've also been following the news about the death of Nelson Mandela, one of the most influential people from the continent of Africa, and maybe the world. I've also been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. I know all of these things don't necessarily seem to connect right now, but let me share with you something that will make it all make some more sense.
A lot has happened in the past week. Along with studying for some pretty difficult finals I have had to say goodbye to my sweet dog, Billy, who was the best pet a person could ask for. I've also been following the news about the death of Nelson Mandela, one of the most influential people from the continent of Africa, and maybe the world. I've also been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. I know all of these things don't necessarily seem to connect right now, but let me share with you something that will make it all make some more sense.
“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice."-Victor Frankl
Still no connections? Okay let me elaborate. Victor Frankl is one of the people I had to study for my final in my psychology class. He studied how people in concentration camps during World War II were more likely to survive if they found meaning in the lives of people around them, even if that meant giving a child their only blanket in the cold, or a stranger the only piece of bread they had. An amazing finding, right? I then started to think about how much Mandela must have suffered in his 95 years of life. He was in prison for longer than I've been alive. He became truly famous on an international level at the age when most people are retired. He lost a son to AIDS (many times people look over/don't know this fact). In all his suffering though, he found meaning. He became the president and worked for HIS people. More than that, he pushed for non-violence, which is hard to do in a corrupt world. He confronted his son's death and supported education for his people about the risks associated with HIV/AIDS. In his last few months and days on this physical earth, he suffered immensely. But I have a feeling he didn't dwell on the pain. He found meaning in his world. In our world. Not all of us can be a Nelson Mandela, but shouldn't we try?
And about Billy, sweet Billy. My entire family (and some of my friends) can attest to how much that dog was loved, and how much he meant to each of us. He may not have been a human, but a loss is still a loss. Having to accept his trip to heaven got me thinking. As I have learned in my class called "On Death and Dying" (what a semester to be taking this course..) it's normal for one loss to spark the memory of other hardships. It is not something I tend to brag about or share very often, but I have faced a fair amount of loss in my life-suffering if you will. It would be so easy to kind of give up and take on a negative view of the world. But for some internal reason, my heart and my head won't allow me to do that. I've come to think that internal reason is God. Pushing me towards knowing there's something better ahead, I just have to keep going.
My sister, Maggie sent out a great email the other day, in the wake of dealing with Billy's loss that shared what she learned from a book by Joel Osteen. It read, "When facing a crisis, it is easy to fall apart, but what you don't realize is that that crisis is not a surprise to God, he knows the end from the beginning." That is exactly true. It sums it all up. God didn't promise an easy life, but he did promise full one. He promised that He knew what was and is to come. We just have to chose to follow Him.
Let's talk about the ultimate sacrifice. Jesus. You could say He dealt with a fair amount of suffering in His life and you would be right. But in the end we see that Jesus found meaning in sacrifice. He says in John 19:30 "It is finished." Perhaps the most telling words in the Bible. "It" being his job. His job-being the ultimate sacrifice sent by God.
So there you have it. The above train of thought is what happens when you take 11 inches of snow, a tad bit of studying, CNN, and a lot of extra time to think about things and you put it all together into one blog post. I hope the connection of Frankl, Mandela, Billy and Jesus all make sense now.
I also hope that each person reading this can find meaning in their life to cease any suffering. It is a really hard thing to do, I know. But we have to at least try. Look at how successful Mandela was in doing so.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
All good things must come to an end
It's been a long week. The type where the days go by too fast but the week never seems to end. I'm sure everyone has experienced this at some point or another. Nothing in particular happened really...just a long week.
Today was kind of a big deal actually. I of course fell into my Sunday routine that consists of sleeping in, making my coffee while I eat breakfast, avoid starting homework, eventually starting said homework, getting distracted, somehow finishing what I needed to get done, checking the Post Secret website at some point and sending out my Sunday prayer text to some 50 people whom I know and love with all my heart. I've been following some version of this routine for the past four years. Always drinking coffee, always checking the Post Secret site for 4 years and always sending out the text.
But today was different. I sent out my last Sunday prayer text and it was really hard.
Now, it wasn't because I had a hard time figuring out how to send a group text to 50 people on my new iPhone(that was just time consuming) but because I've been holding off on what God has been telling me I should do for a while and today finally felt right.
I started the prayer texts when I got home from working at a Young Life camp my Junior year of high school as a way to keep in touch with the people I met there. Then it of course included friends from home, and then surely my friends from the time I worked at camp after my freshman year of college, and of course included family members and family friends. It became less about keeping in touch and more about a ministry. I have said before in this post that my friends have become my ministry-my way of strengthening my faith. The text helped my relationship with God grow, and it gave me confidence that I was a positive presence in the lives of others. I felt like I was doing my job as a Christian, being able to say that I ask at least 50 people a week, from all walks of life and all around the country how I can pray for them. It gave me purpose. And I loved it.
I knew that I couldn't send out this text forever, and last year I started contemplating when I would send my last one. I thought I would do it until Christmas, or New Years, or until the end of college, or when I found a job. I couldn't find a time that I thought would be appropriate because I felt like I was still NEEDING to send the text. I still needed the reassurance from my ministry.
The last few weeks I have felt God hinting that it is seeming like it is becoming too routine. The texts were losing their 'spark'. I still whole-heartedly prayed for those who request it, and I would never try to delete someone from the list even if they only responded once in the four years-what if the next week they needed my prayers? What if they liked just the idea of me being there for them?
In the past it was a way to find God, I could see how my prayers were affecting people's lives week by week. I could reassure someone (and myself) that there was a person praying specifically for them.
I think my relationship with Christ has gotten to a point that I don't necessarily need the reassurance it gave me when I started the text. I am finding much comfort in my relationship and I wanted to stop before sending the text becomes a chore. In the past I would get caught up in 'doing' so much of what a Christian should do and forgot about simply 'being' a Christian. I could go to a weekly bible study, send a weekly text, go to church, say 10 Hail Mary's and still not be a Christian. Rather, I could do what the Bible asks in Psalm 46:10- "Be still, and know that I am God" and find fulfillment.
I will find another ministry, and another way to find reassurance eventually. But for now I want to take some time just to BE a Christian. I want to let myself know and be with Christ. I don't want the chore of something to be what makes me lose that relationship or make it less appealing.
I'm going to miss it with all my heart. I hope that I still keep in contact with everyone who has received a prayer text and I will surely be sending out a few here and there. And I will still gladly accept prayer requests any day of the week.
My routine will change drastically for the first time next Sunday and for a girl that doesn't necessarily like change, proactively choosing to change my routine is a big step.
Where will God take me next, I wonder!
Today was kind of a big deal actually. I of course fell into my Sunday routine that consists of sleeping in, making my coffee while I eat breakfast, avoid starting homework, eventually starting said homework, getting distracted, somehow finishing what I needed to get done, checking the Post Secret website at some point and sending out my Sunday prayer text to some 50 people whom I know and love with all my heart. I've been following some version of this routine for the past four years. Always drinking coffee, always checking the Post Secret site for 4 years and always sending out the text.
But today was different. I sent out my last Sunday prayer text and it was really hard.
Now, it wasn't because I had a hard time figuring out how to send a group text to 50 people on my new iPhone(that was just time consuming) but because I've been holding off on what God has been telling me I should do for a while and today finally felt right.
I started the prayer texts when I got home from working at a Young Life camp my Junior year of high school as a way to keep in touch with the people I met there. Then it of course included friends from home, and then surely my friends from the time I worked at camp after my freshman year of college, and of course included family members and family friends. It became less about keeping in touch and more about a ministry. I have said before in this post that my friends have become my ministry-my way of strengthening my faith. The text helped my relationship with God grow, and it gave me confidence that I was a positive presence in the lives of others. I felt like I was doing my job as a Christian, being able to say that I ask at least 50 people a week, from all walks of life and all around the country how I can pray for them. It gave me purpose. And I loved it.
I knew that I couldn't send out this text forever, and last year I started contemplating when I would send my last one. I thought I would do it until Christmas, or New Years, or until the end of college, or when I found a job. I couldn't find a time that I thought would be appropriate because I felt like I was still NEEDING to send the text. I still needed the reassurance from my ministry.
The last few weeks I have felt God hinting that it is seeming like it is becoming too routine. The texts were losing their 'spark'. I still whole-heartedly prayed for those who request it, and I would never try to delete someone from the list even if they only responded once in the four years-what if the next week they needed my prayers? What if they liked just the idea of me being there for them?
In the past it was a way to find God, I could see how my prayers were affecting people's lives week by week. I could reassure someone (and myself) that there was a person praying specifically for them.
I think my relationship with Christ has gotten to a point that I don't necessarily need the reassurance it gave me when I started the text. I am finding much comfort in my relationship and I wanted to stop before sending the text becomes a chore. In the past I would get caught up in 'doing' so much of what a Christian should do and forgot about simply 'being' a Christian. I could go to a weekly bible study, send a weekly text, go to church, say 10 Hail Mary's and still not be a Christian. Rather, I could do what the Bible asks in Psalm 46:10- "Be still, and know that I am God" and find fulfillment.
I will find another ministry, and another way to find reassurance eventually. But for now I want to take some time just to BE a Christian. I want to let myself know and be with Christ. I don't want the chore of something to be what makes me lose that relationship or make it less appealing.
I'm going to miss it with all my heart. I hope that I still keep in contact with everyone who has received a prayer text and I will surely be sending out a few here and there. And I will still gladly accept prayer requests any day of the week.
My routine will change drastically for the first time next Sunday and for a girl that doesn't necessarily like change, proactively choosing to change my routine is a big step.
Where will God take me next, I wonder!
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Catching up during a tough semester
Did you think I forgot about my blog?? To be honest I did for a little while. This semester has been Crazy...yes with a capital C. I have really missed this blog, and I feel really guilty right now for not having a cup of coffee by my side, but I figure I will be forgiven.
It's around this time of the year that I really start feeling God's presence. The crisp air, the beautiful changing colors of Fall, I figure it'd be appropriate to blog tonight on this cozy fall night.
Let me catch you up since I have neglected this blog for so long. I entered my senior year here at Arkansas with high hopes for a great year, excited for my sister Kelley to be getting married, excited for my best friend to study abroad in Africa, excited for a new roommate and new experiences. All of those things I continue to be excited about, I guess though with such high hopes I didn't expect a few lows to hit. This may be the hardest semester I've had here, hence why I haven't really blogged much because it's hard to put into words.
Within about a month, I had two friends lose a parent. On top of that I'm enrolled in a class called "On Death and Dying"-needless to say I am using personal experience in that class. It's been hard. Really hard, I hurt for them more than I ever imagined I would. I praise God for the community each friend has around them, for the prayers they are receiving constantly, but I always wish I could do more than pray. I caught myself asking God what else I could do because I didn't feel like I was doing enough. What I am realizing is that I am doing plenty, because God is working on their side. He is there for them, in their hearts, their thoughts, He is making sure they are okay. That's all I can ask for because God's support is enough.
What has brought me so much joy this semester has been the preparation and celebration of Kelley and Matt's wedding last weekend. I don't know exactly how Kelley and Matt feel about how it all went down, but I thought the day and night was perfect. Just perfect. I can't thank God enough for bringing together two people (two families) more perfect and worthy of each other. If their wedding was any sign of how their marriage will be it will be fun, happy, and full of surprises! I can't wait to see where their marriage takes them!
School is hard. Classes are really hard. I've been sick for about a month now(Mono-never fun) so it's been really hard to stay motivated and determined. I have been praying and asking for prayers for motivation and patience through all this, I know I will be healthy soon but I am just frustrated that I still don't feel like 'me' after so long.
With all this being said, I am SO excited to see where God takes me from here. I had a conversation about life with my wonderful professor Dr. A(whom I have spoken of on this blog many times before!) today that told me I needed to "have a little faith" in the next year. As excited as I am I catch myself getting a little anxious(me? anxious you say?) about the future. I like a plan as we all know and I am trying to turn the anxiety into excitement. God has blessed me with more than I could ever thank Him for in the past year despite all the low points of the semester, I am still finding myself praising His name each day. Especially on beautiful Fall nights.
This semester God has truly made his presence known more than I can remember him ever doing...or maybe I'm just more aware now. Either way, I like the direction He has put me in, I just have to keep "having a little faith".
It's around this time of the year that I really start feeling God's presence. The crisp air, the beautiful changing colors of Fall, I figure it'd be appropriate to blog tonight on this cozy fall night.
Let me catch you up since I have neglected this blog for so long. I entered my senior year here at Arkansas with high hopes for a great year, excited for my sister Kelley to be getting married, excited for my best friend to study abroad in Africa, excited for a new roommate and new experiences. All of those things I continue to be excited about, I guess though with such high hopes I didn't expect a few lows to hit. This may be the hardest semester I've had here, hence why I haven't really blogged much because it's hard to put into words.
Within about a month, I had two friends lose a parent. On top of that I'm enrolled in a class called "On Death and Dying"-needless to say I am using personal experience in that class. It's been hard. Really hard, I hurt for them more than I ever imagined I would. I praise God for the community each friend has around them, for the prayers they are receiving constantly, but I always wish I could do more than pray. I caught myself asking God what else I could do because I didn't feel like I was doing enough. What I am realizing is that I am doing plenty, because God is working on their side. He is there for them, in their hearts, their thoughts, He is making sure they are okay. That's all I can ask for because God's support is enough.
What has brought me so much joy this semester has been the preparation and celebration of Kelley and Matt's wedding last weekend. I don't know exactly how Kelley and Matt feel about how it all went down, but I thought the day and night was perfect. Just perfect. I can't thank God enough for bringing together two people (two families) more perfect and worthy of each other. If their wedding was any sign of how their marriage will be it will be fun, happy, and full of surprises! I can't wait to see where their marriage takes them!
School is hard. Classes are really hard. I've been sick for about a month now(Mono-never fun) so it's been really hard to stay motivated and determined. I have been praying and asking for prayers for motivation and patience through all this, I know I will be healthy soon but I am just frustrated that I still don't feel like 'me' after so long.
With all this being said, I am SO excited to see where God takes me from here. I had a conversation about life with my wonderful professor Dr. A(whom I have spoken of on this blog many times before!) today that told me I needed to "have a little faith" in the next year. As excited as I am I catch myself getting a little anxious(me? anxious you say?) about the future. I like a plan as we all know and I am trying to turn the anxiety into excitement. God has blessed me with more than I could ever thank Him for in the past year despite all the low points of the semester, I am still finding myself praising His name each day. Especially on beautiful Fall nights.
This semester God has truly made his presence known more than I can remember him ever doing...or maybe I'm just more aware now. Either way, I like the direction He has put me in, I just have to keep "having a little faith".
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Trusting God Requires Vulnerability
Last week I went to Mass and the homily was about being a good Steward of Christ and trusting God...Exactly what this blog is about, right? One idea made me perk up, this idea of vulnerability. Anyone who knows me, knows I like to be put together, because when I'm undone, I feel like I've lost it, I'm completely exposed for the world to critique me.
Admittedly, there are VERY few people I have allowed myself to be vulnerable around. The idea of it scares me. Why would anyone want to be around a girl who doesn't have everything put together? I have also learned that there is a difference between being put together and packing my issues away. I used to 'give things up to God' thinking I was taking care of those issues, maintaining my put-togetherness, but I was just ignoring them. That was the unhealthy Abby, the one who broke down without anyone knowing at times, the one who took on everyone else's problems because she had 'handeld' hers.
The priest last Sunday talked about the difference between believing and make believing. For a while, I was make believing...to myself and everyone that I was okay. I wasn't actually trusting God. I wasn't confident He would nor would want to take care of my problems. Now, I have come a long way from that Abby. I am actually believing in Christ and His word rather than make-believing. I am believing in His promise of a fulfilling life. It is still a struggle obviously, I still hate being vulnerable.
Vulnerability is what God wants from us. He wants us to be completely open to Him in order to know Him completely. He asks us to let go of our so-called control of our own lives so He can follow through with His promise of taking care of us. If we show God our struggles, He can show us answers. We must have faith that He has those answers.
Steward: A Steward is an official who is appointed by the legal ruling monarch to represent them in a country...
We are asked as Christians to be Stewards of Christ. We are asked to share our lessons from Christ with others in the hope of enriching the lives of others. If anything I said above is true, being a steward requires being able to be vulnerable around Christ and teaching that to others. The priest said in his homily "Stewardship is about taking care. It demands serious and sober honesty with our authentic self." My authentic self isn't the one who has everything put together, she is the one working through her problems, having faith that they will be resolved by working with Christ. Not just 'giving them up to God.' A good steward is appointed because they are a valid representation of the ruling of their leader.
I want to be a good Steward, I want to show God's love to everyone around me. In order to do this I must do something scary; I must be vulnerable.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Entering the scary place to follow
I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's funny how God works. Just when I think I've asked an impossible question to answer, He sends me an answer like it's nothing.
At the beginning of the summer I decided to read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It has been on my bucket list of books to read and I bought it on Amazon. Let me tell you, if you are looking for a good introduction into Christian reading, this book is meant for you. I knew that going into it, thinking it would be about steps in Christianity I have already surpassed. One (of many) aspects of Christianity Miller wrote about that I haven't put much effort in thinking about was giving back. He shares stories of his secular life that influenced his Christian life. The one that got me thinking was his conversation with a friend who faithfully gives 10% of his earnings to the church. He later inquires with another friend who works for a church about the importance of giving money rather than volunteering, prayer, etc. A topic I've been wanting to know the answer of for a while. I loved his response so let me share it.
"When we do what God wants us to do, we are blessed, we are spiritually healthy...By setting aside money from every check, you are trusting God to provide. He wants you to get over that fear-that fear of trusting Him. It is a scary place, but that is where you have to go as a follower of Christ..."
This hit home to me. I realized I haven't been giving to an organization that pushes for God's work on Earth, and just like Miller I have felt guilty about it. Now, I am still under my parents roof, with their checks going to my tuition and rent (which I'm forever grateful for) but that should be more reason for me to give some of the money I do have to Christ rather than to the cute shirt at the mall.
So I finished reading the book back in June...it is close to the end of July...I'm embarrassed to say I still haven't given. I have been trying to figure out who to give to. I could do the church, like Miller did. I could do a Christian organization. I could do a homeless shelter. I could give to all of these places. How do I decide? Enter Winston and Father Gary.
Last Sunday, Father Gary spoke in his homily about how to decide who to give time, effort, or money to when there are so many worthy causes. It was based on the story of the Samaritan in the Bible who took care of the ill man on the road right in front of him. God's message isn't to wait to hear who you should help in the future, it is to help the person right in front of you, right now.
That person right in front of me is Winston, and his soon to be wife Alissa. I know Winston from Young Life camp and I can honestly say he is one of the most giving people I have ever met. After camp he gave two years of his life teaching in Tanzania because he felt it was where God was leading him. He met Alissa there and now at the end of the two years, he feels he is being called back. They will return with jobs that either don't pay or are not enough to cover their expenses. They are relying on prayer, donations and God to get them through. They are entering that scary place Donald Miller's friend spoke of.
It clicked. By giving to Winston and Alissa, I am relying on God. I am honoring his work on Earth. It won't be much, just as Miller didn't have much to give originally, but I can only be envious of Alissa and Winston for relying so faithfully on God they are getting rid of their fear that God won't provide.
I just love when God answers my prayer so blatantly that I have to laugh. I sat in church that day knowing He was sending an answer and I am so glad I was listening.
At the beginning of the summer I decided to read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It has been on my bucket list of books to read and I bought it on Amazon. Let me tell you, if you are looking for a good introduction into Christian reading, this book is meant for you. I knew that going into it, thinking it would be about steps in Christianity I have already surpassed. One (of many) aspects of Christianity Miller wrote about that I haven't put much effort in thinking about was giving back. He shares stories of his secular life that influenced his Christian life. The one that got me thinking was his conversation with a friend who faithfully gives 10% of his earnings to the church. He later inquires with another friend who works for a church about the importance of giving money rather than volunteering, prayer, etc. A topic I've been wanting to know the answer of for a while. I loved his response so let me share it.
"When we do what God wants us to do, we are blessed, we are spiritually healthy...By setting aside money from every check, you are trusting God to provide. He wants you to get over that fear-that fear of trusting Him. It is a scary place, but that is where you have to go as a follower of Christ..."
This hit home to me. I realized I haven't been giving to an organization that pushes for God's work on Earth, and just like Miller I have felt guilty about it. Now, I am still under my parents roof, with their checks going to my tuition and rent (which I'm forever grateful for) but that should be more reason for me to give some of the money I do have to Christ rather than to the cute shirt at the mall.
So I finished reading the book back in June...it is close to the end of July...I'm embarrassed to say I still haven't given. I have been trying to figure out who to give to. I could do the church, like Miller did. I could do a Christian organization. I could do a homeless shelter. I could give to all of these places. How do I decide? Enter Winston and Father Gary.
Last Sunday, Father Gary spoke in his homily about how to decide who to give time, effort, or money to when there are so many worthy causes. It was based on the story of the Samaritan in the Bible who took care of the ill man on the road right in front of him. God's message isn't to wait to hear who you should help in the future, it is to help the person right in front of you, right now.
That person right in front of me is Winston, and his soon to be wife Alissa. I know Winston from Young Life camp and I can honestly say he is one of the most giving people I have ever met. After camp he gave two years of his life teaching in Tanzania because he felt it was where God was leading him. He met Alissa there and now at the end of the two years, he feels he is being called back. They will return with jobs that either don't pay or are not enough to cover their expenses. They are relying on prayer, donations and God to get them through. They are entering that scary place Donald Miller's friend spoke of.
It clicked. By giving to Winston and Alissa, I am relying on God. I am honoring his work on Earth. It won't be much, just as Miller didn't have much to give originally, but I can only be envious of Alissa and Winston for relying so faithfully on God they are getting rid of their fear that God won't provide.
I just love when God answers my prayer so blatantly that I have to laugh. I sat in church that day knowing He was sending an answer and I am so glad I was listening.
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