What do Frankl, Mandela, a dog, and Jesus all have in common?

What a better time to cozy up with a warm cup of coffee, a blanket and my computer to write a blog post than when I'm snowed in?? The town of Fayetteville has essentially shut down because of a little less than a foot of snow, so it has given me ample time to study, sleep, and put some thought into this blog post. 

A lot has happened in the past week. Along with studying for some pretty difficult finals I have had to say goodbye to my sweet dog, Billy, who was the best pet a person could ask for. I've also been following the news about the death of Nelson Mandela, one of the most influential people from the continent of Africa, and maybe the world. I've also been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. I know all of these things don't necessarily seem to connect right now, but let me share with you something that will make it all make some more sense. 

“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice."-Victor Frankl

Still no connections? Okay let me elaborate. Victor Frankl is one of the people I had to study for my final in my psychology class. He studied how people in concentration camps during World War II were more likely to survive if they found meaning in the lives of people around them, even if that meant giving a child their only blanket in the cold, or a stranger the only piece of bread they had. An amazing finding, right? I then started to think about how much Mandela must have suffered in his 95 years of life. He was in prison for longer than I've been alive. He became truly famous on an international level at the age when most people are retired. He lost a son to AIDS (many times people look over/don't know this fact). In all his suffering though, he found meaning. He became the president and worked for HIS people. More than that, he pushed for non-violence, which is hard to do in a corrupt world. He confronted his son's death and supported education for his people about the risks associated with HIV/AIDS. In his last few months and days on this physical earth, he suffered immensely. But I have a feeling he didn't dwell on the pain. He found meaning in his world. In our world. Not all of us can be a Nelson Mandela, but shouldn't we try?

And about Billy, sweet Billy. My entire family (and some of my friends) can attest to how much that dog was loved, and how much he meant to each of us. He may not have been a human, but a loss is still a loss. Having to accept his trip to heaven got me thinking. As I have learned in my class called "On Death and Dying" (what a semester to be taking this course..) it's normal for one loss to spark the memory of other hardships. It is not something I tend to brag about or share very often, but I have faced a fair amount of loss in my life-suffering if you will. It would be so easy to kind of give up and take on a negative view of the world. But for some internal reason, my heart and my head won't allow me to do that. I've come to think that internal reason is God. Pushing me towards knowing there's something better ahead, I just have to keep going. 

My sister, Maggie sent out a great email the other day, in the wake of dealing with Billy's loss that shared what she learned from a book by Joel Osteen. It read, "When facing a crisis, it is easy to fall apart, but what you don't realize is that that crisis is not a surprise to God, he knows the end from the beginning." That is exactly true. It sums it all up. God didn't promise an easy life, but he did promise full one. He promised that He knew what was and is to come. We just have to chose to follow Him. 

Let's talk about the ultimate sacrifice. Jesus. You could say He dealt with a fair amount of suffering in His life and you would be right. But in the end we see that Jesus found meaning in sacrifice. He says in John 19:30 "It is finished." Perhaps the most telling words in the Bible. "It" being his job. His job-being the ultimate sacrifice sent by God. 

So there you have it. The above train of thought is what happens when you take 11 inches of snow, a tad bit of studying, CNN, and a lot of extra time to think about things and you put it all together into one blog post. I hope the connection of Frankl, Mandela, Billy and Jesus all make sense now. 

I also hope that each person reading this can find meaning in their life to cease any suffering. It is a really hard thing to do, I know. But we have to at least try. Look at how successful Mandela was in doing so. 

All good things must come to an end

It's been a long week. The type where the days go by too fast but the week never seems to end. I'm sure everyone has experienced this at some point or another. Nothing in particular happened really...just a long week.

Today was kind of a big deal actually. I of course fell into my Sunday routine that consists of sleeping in, making my coffee while I eat breakfast, avoid starting homework, eventually starting said homework, getting distracted, somehow finishing what I needed to get done, checking the Post Secret website at some point and sending out my Sunday prayer text to some 50 people whom I know and love with all my heart. I've been following some version of this routine for the past four years. Always drinking coffee, always checking the Post Secret site for 4 years and always sending out the text.

But today was different. I sent out my last Sunday prayer text and it was really hard.

Now, it wasn't because I had a hard time figuring out how to send a group text to 50 people on my new iPhone(that was just time consuming) but because I've been holding off on what God has been telling me I should do for a while and today finally felt right.

I started the prayer texts when I got home from working at a Young Life camp my Junior year of high school as a way to keep in touch with the people I met there. Then it of course included friends from home, and then surely my friends from the time I worked at camp after my freshman year of college, and of course included family members and family friends. It became less about keeping in touch and more about a ministry. I have said before in this post that my friends have become my ministry-my way of strengthening my faith. The text helped my relationship with God grow, and it gave me confidence that I was a positive presence in the lives of others. I felt like I was doing my job as a Christian, being able to say that I ask at least 50 people a week, from all walks of life and all around the country how I can pray for them. It gave me purpose. And I loved it.

I knew that I couldn't send out this text forever, and last year I started contemplating when I would send my last one. I thought I would do it until Christmas, or New Years, or until the end of college, or when I found a job. I couldn't find a time that I thought would be appropriate because I felt like I was still NEEDING to send the text. I still needed the reassurance from my ministry.

The last few weeks I have felt God hinting that it is seeming like it is becoming too routine. The texts were losing their 'spark'. I still whole-heartedly prayed for those who request it, and I would never try to delete someone from the list even if they only responded once in the four years-what if the next week they needed my prayers? What if they liked just the idea of me being there for them?

In the past it was a way to find God, I could see how my prayers were affecting people's lives week by week. I could reassure someone (and myself) that there was a person praying specifically for them.

I think my relationship with Christ has gotten to a point that I don't necessarily need the reassurance it gave me when I started the text. I am finding much comfort in my relationship and I wanted to stop before sending the text becomes a chore. In the past I would get caught up in 'doing' so much of what a Christian should do and forgot about simply 'being' a Christian. I could go to a weekly bible study, send a weekly text, go to church, say 10 Hail Mary's and still not be a Christian. Rather, I could do what the Bible asks in Psalm 46:10- "Be still, and know that I am God" and find fulfillment.

I will find another ministry, and another way to find reassurance eventually. But for now I want to take some time just to BE a Christian. I want to let myself know and be with Christ. I don't want the chore of something to be what makes me lose that relationship or make it less appealing.

I'm going to miss it with all my heart. I hope that I still keep in contact with everyone who has received a prayer text and I will surely be sending out a few here and there. And I will still gladly accept prayer requests any day of the week.

My routine will change drastically for the first time next Sunday and for a girl that doesn't necessarily like change, proactively choosing to change my routine is a big step.

Where will God take me next, I wonder!

Catching up during a tough semester

Did you think I forgot about my blog?? To be honest I did for a little while. This semester has been Crazy...yes with a capital C. I have really missed this blog, and I feel really guilty right now for not having a cup of coffee by my side, but I figure I will be forgiven.

It's around this time of the year that I really start feeling God's presence. The crisp air, the beautiful changing colors of Fall, I figure it'd be appropriate to blog tonight on this cozy fall night.

Let me catch you up since I have neglected this blog for so long. I entered my senior year here at Arkansas with high hopes for a great year, excited for my sister Kelley to be getting married, excited for my best friend to study abroad in Africa, excited for a new roommate and new experiences. All of those things I continue to be excited about, I guess though with such high hopes I didn't expect a few lows to hit. This may be the hardest semester I've had here, hence why I haven't really blogged much because it's hard to put into words.

Within about a month, I had two friends lose a parent. On top of that I'm enrolled in a class called "On Death and Dying"-needless to say I am using personal experience in that class. It's been hard. Really hard, I hurt for them more than I ever imagined I would. I praise God for the community each friend has around them, for the prayers they are receiving constantly, but I always wish I could do more than pray. I caught myself asking God what else I could do because I didn't feel like I was doing enough. What I am realizing is that I am doing plenty, because God is working on their side. He is there for them, in their hearts, their thoughts, He is making sure they are okay. That's all I can ask for because God's support is enough.

What has brought me so much joy this semester has been the preparation and celebration of Kelley and Matt's wedding last weekend. I don't know exactly how Kelley and Matt feel about how it all went down, but I thought the day and night was perfect. Just perfect. I can't thank God enough for bringing together two people (two families) more perfect and worthy of each other. If their wedding was any sign of how their marriage will be it will be fun, happy, and full of surprises! I can't wait to see where their marriage takes them!

School is hard. Classes are really hard. I've been sick for about a month now(Mono-never fun) so it's been really hard to stay motivated and determined. I have been praying and asking for prayers for motivation and patience through all this, I know I will be healthy soon but I am just frustrated that I still don't feel like 'me' after so long.

With all this being said, I am SO excited to see where God takes me from here. I had a conversation about life with my wonderful professor Dr. A(whom I have spoken of on this blog many times before!) today that told me I needed to "have a little faith" in the next year. As excited as I am I catch myself getting a little anxious(me? anxious you say?) about the future. I like a plan as we all know and I am trying to turn the anxiety into excitement. God has blessed me with more than I could ever thank Him for in the past year despite all the low points of the semester, I am still finding myself praising His name each day. Especially on beautiful Fall nights.

This semester God has truly made his presence known more than I can remember him ever doing...or maybe I'm just more aware now. Either way, I like the direction He has put me in, I just have to keep "having a little faith".

Trusting God Requires Vulnerability

Last week I went to Mass and the homily was about being a good Steward of Christ and trusting God...Exactly what this blog is about, right? One idea made me perk up, this idea of vulnerability. Anyone who knows me, knows I like to be put together, because when I'm undone, I feel like I've lost it, I'm completely exposed for the world to critique me.

Admittedly, there are VERY few people I have allowed myself to be vulnerable around. The idea of it scares me. Why would anyone want to be around a girl who doesn't have everything put together? I have also learned that there is a difference between being put together and packing my issues away. I used to 'give things up to God' thinking I was taking care of those issues, maintaining my put-togetherness, but I was just ignoring them. That was the unhealthy Abby, the one who broke down without anyone knowing at times, the one who took on everyone else's problems because she had 'handeld' hers.

The priest last Sunday talked about the difference between believing and make believing. For a while, I was make believing...to myself and everyone that I was okay. I wasn't actually trusting God. I wasn't confident He would nor would want to take care of my problems. Now, I have come a long way from that Abby. I am actually believing in Christ and His word rather than make-believing. I am believing in His promise of a fulfilling life. It is still a struggle obviously, I still hate being vulnerable.

Vulnerability is what God wants from us. He wants us to be completely open to Him in order to know Him completely. He asks us to let go of our so-called control of our own lives so He can follow through with His promise of taking care of us. If we show God our struggles, He can show us answers. We must have faith that He has those answers.

Steward: A Steward is an official who is appointed by the legal ruling monarch to represent them in a country...

We are asked as Christians to be Stewards of Christ. We are asked to share our lessons from Christ with others in the hope of enriching the lives of others. If anything I said above is true, being a steward requires being able to be vulnerable around Christ and teaching that to others. The priest said in his homily "Stewardship is about taking care. It demands serious and sober honesty with our authentic self." My authentic self isn't the one who has everything put together, she is the one working through her problems, having faith that they will be resolved by working with Christ. Not just 'giving them up to God.' A good steward is appointed because they are a valid representation of the ruling of their leader.

I want to be a good Steward, I want to show God's love to everyone around me. In order to do this I must do something scary; I must be vulnerable.

Entering the scary place to follow

I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's funny how God works. Just when I think I've asked an impossible question to answer, He sends me an answer like it's nothing.

At the beginning of the summer I decided to read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It has been on my bucket list of books to read and I bought it on Amazon. Let me tell you, if you are looking for a good introduction into Christian reading, this book is meant for you. I knew that going into it, thinking it would be about steps in Christianity I have already surpassed. One (of many) aspects of Christianity Miller wrote about that I haven't put much effort in thinking about was giving back. He shares stories of his secular life that influenced his Christian life. The one that got me thinking was his conversation with a friend who faithfully gives 10% of his earnings to the church. He later inquires with another friend who works for a church about the importance of giving money rather than volunteering, prayer, etc. A topic I've been wanting to know the answer of for a while. I loved his response so let me share it.

"When we do what God wants us to do, we are blessed, we are spiritually healthy...By setting aside money from every check, you are trusting God to provide. He wants you to get over that fear-that fear of trusting Him. It is a scary place, but that is where you have to go as a follower of Christ..."

This hit home to me. I realized I haven't been giving to an organization that pushes for God's work on Earth, and just like Miller I have felt guilty about it. Now, I am still under my parents roof, with their checks going to my tuition and rent (which I'm forever grateful for) but that should be more reason for me to give some of the money I do have to Christ rather than to the cute shirt at the mall.

So I finished reading the book back in June...it is close to the end of July...I'm embarrassed to say I still haven't given. I have been trying to figure out who to give to. I could do the church, like Miller did. I could do a Christian organization. I could do a homeless shelter. I could give to all of these places. How do I decide? Enter Winston and Father Gary.

Last Sunday, Father Gary spoke in his homily about how to decide who to give time, effort, or money to when there are so many worthy causes. It was based on the story of the Samaritan in the Bible who took care of the ill man on the road right in front of him. God's message isn't to wait to hear who you should help in the future, it is to help the person right in front of you, right now.

That person right in front of me is Winston, and his soon to be wife Alissa. I know Winston from Young Life camp and I can honestly say he is one of the most giving people I have ever met. After camp he gave two years of his life teaching in Tanzania because he felt it was where God was leading him. He met Alissa there and now at the end of the two years, he feels he is being called back. They will return with jobs that either don't pay or are not enough to cover their expenses. They are relying on prayer, donations and God to get them through. They are entering that scary place Donald Miller's friend spoke of.

It clicked. By giving to Winston and Alissa, I am relying on God. I am honoring his work on Earth. It won't be much, just as Miller didn't have much to give originally, but I can only be envious of Alissa and Winston for relying so faithfully on God they are getting rid of their fear that God won't provide.

I just love when God answers my prayer so blatantly that I have to laugh. I sat in church that day knowing He was sending an answer and I am so glad I was listening.

Remembering a very important man

So I have this box. It was a gift from a few friends (I think...maybe just one) for my 18th birthday. The only reason I remember it was for my 18th was because it has "18 reasons why we love Abby Mac" on the inside of the lid. It has all sorts of bible verses written on it and I have deemed it my letter box. It has letters from anyone and everyone that I have felt the need to keep from different parts of my life to now, along with old journals, pictures, and other knick knacks that are special to me.

Every once in a while I pull out this box. It's a fun way to remember different parts of my life from high school, Young Life, going off to college, my first year at Arkansas, all the way up to my most recent birthday. Let me tell you though, every time I cry. It doesn't matter which letters I read, I always end up in tears.

This time it was a letter from my dad written on April 4, 1996. A long time ago, right? Let me explain. While my sisters and I grew up, my parents went to a retreat to focus the importance of faith and wrote us letters while there for us to read at a different points in our life. In 1996 my dad wasn't writing for four year-old Abby to read, but young adult Abby. This letter was about my grandfather-Gramps as everyone called him, who passed away when I was two.

I was already thinking of Gramps tonight because there was a big thunderstorm here in Fayetteville and I remember my dad saying Gramps loved to sit and watch and listen to storms. I'm happy to have inherited that trait.

What brought me to tears was reading how much my dad loved Gramps and how great of a man he was. I wish I knew that man more. I wish I knew the man that made my dad the wonderful dad he is. I love hearing stories and memories about Gramps from my family, and I love knowing Gramps isn't too far away from me, watching me grow up. I find strength in knowing that he is close.  My dad wrote, "You may not have realized it then, but you were held, touched, and loved by God thru Gramps. He had a wonderful touch and gift." I may not remember Gramps holding me, but I have a feeling it was similar to the feeling I get knowing he is watching over me from heaven.

It's times like these when I am reminded of how great of a man that my grandfather was that makes me grateful to have such a wonderful family. I thank God for these reminders.

I am somehow surprised to be brought to tears every time I open this box. They are always happy tears, and always remind me of the love I have found here on God's creation and the love that I have waiting for me above.

Accepting Undeserving Love.

Every once in a while I find a video that inspires me. A video that reminds me why I am constantly trying to live a life Christ would approve of and be proud of. I've shared one of those videos before, in this post. These videos really gets to my core and make me grateful for God's undeserving love.

I say undeserving because it's true. I don't, we don't, deserve the kind of love Christ has for us. The kind of love in which Christ DIED for us. There are a few people in the world that I would die for, and that is because they have gained my trust and love. Christ not only died for every person you will meet, He did it without waiting to see if we would give Him love. He did it without a second thought. Dying for us was His purpose.

Back to the videos. My incredibly inspirational friend who might as well be my sister, Mikkia, shared this video with me and our other good friends. If you have 9 minutes, go ahead and watch it. It involves the story of Barabbas during Jesus' crucifixion.   Pilate gave the people the option of setting free Jesus or Barabbas...I think you know who they chose. The speaker in the video makes an interesting comparison. He explains that we are Barabbas, we are the criminals, the sinners. We are the ones that deserve a crucifixion for going against Jesus and against God, but have been given this incredible gift of life by Jesus.

There are too many good quotes from this video for me to share, but one that I felt important to point out was when the speaker said "your greatest challenge is believing in the gospel. Could it be, that there is a God with a love so scandalous, so wide, so deep, so vast, so high, so expansive, so welcoming, so inclusive..."

I'll admit, sometimes I wonder why God would still accept me after everything I've done. Why would He accept me, if I've questioned Him? This is what the speaker was getting at. It is the hardest thing in the world accepting love we don't deserve. It's the hardest thing in the world, knowing and accepting that there is not a SINGLE thing we could do to make God turn His back on us. Why is it so hard? Because we are incapable of loving someone like that. Sure there are people I would die for, but I wouldn't die for just anybody.

 It is a constant struggle for me to accept the love I feel from God. The speaker is right when he says God tells us to "go (daughter), live your life. I'll pay the price." Gosh, even sitting here writing this I wonder how God could love me as much as He does. What Christ did for me can never be paid back. I can't even get close to repaying Him for all He did. What I can do? Work on accepting this love and sharing it with others. That's why I'm writing this post today. To show that it is hard to accept Christ's love when you don't feel like you deserve it. That's just it though, none of us do. But we have had it given to us.

I work everyday to try and pay Him back. I know I'll never get there, but it's the least I can do. I am going to show God and His creation the love I CAN give, and accept the love I will never be able to understand.