Sewing seeds for the rest of my life

We can shape but can't control

These possibilities to grow

Weeds amongst the push and pull

Waiting on the wind to take us

We can write with ink and pen

But we will sew with seeds instead

Starting with words we've said

And we will all be changed

-Seryn, "We Will All Be Changed"

My Spring is about to FLY by so I wanted to slow down for a second and get back to this blog. 

When my parents come to Philadelphia next week it will mark the 7th month that I have been in Philadelphia. SEVENTH. Some days I'll admit it feels like I've been here forever and other days I feel like everything is still so new. A lot has happened in the last 7 months, both for me and those at home and I never could have predicted such an experience. One that has been a HUGE lesson on vulnerability. A word and an action I'm not so comfortable with. 

Coming into a new job in a new city with new roommates can be a little nerve-wrecking. It's an experience that screams vulnerability and at the beginning I was forcing myself to be okay with it. I opened myself up to my roommates from the get-go- I think we all did. We were going to be sharing a similar experience for the next 10 months, there was no use in sugar coating anything. In this, I found myself really happy. I didn't know why I was ever so cautious to be open about myself with others in the past. Then stuff got hard. I was missing out on exciting family events, I wasn't able to be there for a friend going through the loss of a parent and I had no one 'familiar' to talk to, to hug, to be near. This was the true test of vulnerability-not moving to a new city or going through awkward "get to know you" activities. It was realizing that this was my life for the next 10 months and whether the girls I lived with liked it or not, they became my familiarity. They became the ones I talked to and hugged and cried with. 

As for my job, I hate to brag but I think I'm pretty good at what I do-at least that's what it seemed like at my mid-year evaluation. Though vulnerability takes a new shape with this job. I have learned that this job is not always go-go-go like I may wish it were sometimes. I have to find a way to be grateful for the time this job has given me to take a break and breathe sometimes. I don't always see immediate change like all social workers wish they could. I have realized I am not meant to teach three year-olds and that third grade math is hard for third graders...no matter how easy it comes to my mind. It has made me vulnerable in the sense that I can't always do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. God is giving me this time to figure out my next step and I'm not exactly comfortable with how much time He has given me. I feel like I'm SO ready to move forward and do more and He keeps pumping the breaks. As my good friend Margaret reminds me, I'm still experiencing a big life choice, I don't need to worry about the next one yet"

Speaking of-graduate school. Holy cow I didn't realize that the application process would be so much different than undergraduate. After MANY Skype sessions with my mom and having my roommates read and reread my essays, I have submitted applications to five schools for a Master in Social Work program. Saint Louis University, Washington University in Saint Louis, Temple University, Boston College and University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. While I still wait (very anxiously) to hear back from the first four schools, I am happy to announce I got in to University of Illinois! I obviously have made no decisions but it has been a long, hard, process and I am happy to know I at least got into one school!

So what's with the song lyrics above? I'm sure you're wondering. This has been one of the songs that has gotten me through some tough parts of the year as a volunteer. Not necessarily tough as in feeling like I can't make it through but tough as in remember not to simply go through the motions. In remembering that I chose to do this year for a reason, not just to be a resume builder. The line "we can write with ink and pen but we will sew with seeds instead" has been a huge mantra for me. It continues to say 'start with words we've said and we will all be changed' which mirrors what I am doing. I spent four years of college writing with ink and pen, studying, researching, writing papers, all on what I want to do in the future. What will that get me if I never actually do it? I can be the best student in the world, but if I haven't experienced vulnerability, hard work, and joy, what is there to relay to others? 

As a volunteer, I am using what I have studied-I am starting with the words I've said, and using it to push myself forward into a real world experience. I am sewing seeds to grow something, my future self, into what I want it to look like. So while there are some days I feel I am just going through the motions, and not actually letting myself feel vulnerable, or even powerful, I remember that this year was meant to sew seeds. I meant for it to be a year of action to spring me forward for the rest of my life. For that I am grateful. 

I hope this catches everyone up on what I've been experiencing the last 7 months-it has been a huge lesson on vulnerability-what it is, what it feels like and how to deal with it. Luckily I have 3 more months of it. Wish me luck! 

Sing With Me

"O sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth! Sing to the Lord, bless his name; tell of his salvation from day to day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples." Psalm 96:1-3

Music, whether you are singing to it, listening to it or creating it, is pretty incredible-isn't it? I was home last weekend for a wedding (congrats to the happy couple!) and when I got back to Philly I realized how profound an impact music and song had on me last weekend and every weekend.

On Saturday I sat down on a pew next to friends as we were getting ready to watch two more friends get married. I looked down on the program and saw the song to be sung and my heart was happy. As I read the words and sang along, I instantly felt better-not that I didn't feel good before, but the song improved my already happy mood.

The following day I went to church for mass and I was most excited for the music. The CSC at Washington University has a top-notch band and choir, one that makes everyone want to sing along. My grandmother was next to me and we sang along in our not so top notch, yet beautiful in their own way voices. I looked to the choir and saw the raw joy in one of the choir members faces. I saw the confidence in another's sway as they sang along. No doubt about it, everyone in the choir was there because they liked it. Because music means something to them. That joy, that confidence, seeps into those listening. Enough to make us sing along no matter how good or bad our voices are.

I have a roommate who goes to church many times for the joy of listening to music. Another for the joy of singing. Church hymns and song lyrics provide a certain comfort that simply spoken words may not. I have been known to turn on my favorite song when I need a reminder that everything will be okay. There's a song for every type of mood, isn't there? Music to calm us down or pump us up. Memories, good or bad, are attached to certain songs. There is music for certain occasions that would be wildly inappropriate if played in another setting.

So what is it about music, or song that is so great? Surely there are songs in the world I could go without hearing (the majority of country songs), but what is it that makes music in general, so appealing? Have you ever heard someone say "no...I don't like music of any kind."? You would call them crazy, because we all have our own reasons for liking the music we like.

Sitting in the different pews this weekend it dawned on me. I like music because it brings people together to make something beautiful. Alone, my voice isn't so beautiful. Many people aren't blessed with my a good singing voice. But if you go into my church or any other that has people that excited about singing, you can hear it. You can hear the beauty of what joy sounds like. If you come into our apartment when our roommate is playing her guitar and singing, you can hear the comfort in her voice and the song she wrote.

Waking up Monday morning I read the devotional I get by email each day. Included was Psalm 96:1-3, quoted above. It asks us to sing, literally or figuratively. To show our comfort and our devotion to God. To show what His love has done for us.

How perfect? Alone our voices, whether sung or spoken, written or in action, may not seem like a lot. But if you sit back, close your eyes and listen to the praises and the joy in all of our voices together, something beautiful is heard.

I am happy here.

My apologies for neglecting to post on here for too long! I tried to think of a good reason(okay, excuse) as to why I haven't been posting and I cannot think of one other than living in Philly has been totally different than I expected and I'm not quite sure how to put into words the experience I'm having. So let me back up to the last time I blogged and see if I can fill you guys in.

Last you heard I was on a bus with one of the women in the assisted living program that shares a building with the Parish. Not much has changed there, I still say hello to Ms. Elizabeth and I still take the bus each morning and night. If anything I am branching out more and more into the city and all its neighborhoods. If you didn't hear, Philadelphia is the NY Times' #3 city to visit in 2015 (thanks, Dad, for sharing the article with me!) and after living here for 5 months, I can see why! It has taken me a while but I really feel comfortable navigating around the city now. My parents came to visit in November and I think they were impressed by my navigation skills.

Since I've written last I have celebrated my first Thanksgiving away from home (something I was reluctant to agree to) and I have to admit-it wasn't so bad. I successfully cooked a turkey and stuffing and I celebrated with my three roommates by going to the parade in center city. We shared stories and traditions over a turkey dinner and I ended up being grateful for the experience-that being said, Kirkwood's Thanksgiving tradition still has my heart.

Also since you've last read, I have been home! I was blessed with two weeks home for Christmas and New Years-a time which went by WAY too fast but was just what I needed to be energized for this next half of my service year. I didn't quite realize how homesick I was was waiting to de-board the plane. As physically tired as I was after the two weeks of seeing just about everyone as I could, my heart was so happy and full. I actually felt ready to come back to Philly-which I was nervous being home would only make it harder being away longer.

Before going back to work all the volunteers from all the different sites came together for a midyear retreat in Ocean City, NJ-about an hour away from Philadelphia. A bunch of the previous volunteers raved about how great midyear retreat was for them but the entire time I thought 'who wants to go to the beach in January with 20+ people in one house?'-now I know why. It was SO great to see all the other volunteers and to just be present, in that moment, with the people who were serving different communities. I learned a lot about the different sites, how everyone was getting along and that I wasn't alone in some of the hesitations I had both about my current position and what is coming after this year is over.

Speaking of, I just turned in my first of many graduate school applications today! I have decided to apply to different schools for a Master's degree in Social Work. If this year has taught me anything it is that my heart is in social service (that may not come as a surprise to anyone). There's an odd sense of satisfaction when you realize where you're being called but aren't quite able to describe it to anyone. Or even yourself for that matter. I am happy to know I am moving in the right direction. I am happy I have options and I am happy that I have support from my friends and family even if they don't know how to describe what I want to do. Short answer-I want to help people.

My roommates and I are big quote people. Much of our dedicated prayer time is centered around different quotes because that is where we find comfort. One of my favorites lately is "Let yourself be drawn by the pull of what you really love. You'll be happy there. Promise." It was a pinterest find so I'm not sure who said it, but whoever you are, thank you. Thank you for the confirmation. Thank you for the confidence.

I really LOVE helping others, and truth be told, I think I'm damn good at it! So in the year ahead I have decided to have confidence in knowing that doing what I love is enough. While I could go CRAZY with trying to figure out the best option for a career is, I am trying to be calm and go with what I know. What I love.

(I also made a new year's resolution to blog at least once a month-hopefully I can keep to it!)

What good conversation can do for the soul

Trying to explain where I live here in Philadelphia to people seems to be more difficult than expected so most of the time I just tell people I live at St. Augustine's church, because for all intents and purposes, I do. The building my apartment is in is owned by the church which is literally right next door(a huge motivator to go to church every week by the way!) I also live on the second floor because the first floor is home to Women of Hope, which is an assisted living facility for adult women struggling with homelessness and mental illness. 

There are a handful of women I see each day as I leave for work or come home for the day. Often they are talking with each other and/or smoking a cigarette. Many of the women smile and wave to me, and I of course return the wave. They come to church and the meals the church provides on Sundays where we again exchange a smile and a wave. Today was a little different. I was walking to my bus stop for work and saw one of the women who is always quick to share a smile waiting for the same bus. She came up to me, so incredibly excited to share with me that she got a job. After a congratulatory hug, our bus came and we continued to chat on the bus. I learned so much about Ms. Elizabeth in the 25 minute ride we shared together-we have moved passed just a friendly wave. 

Ms. Elizabeth shared with me that after her husband died, she went through a nervous breakdown which led to her homelessness. She shared what park she lived in and that she never begged for money. She shared with me that when she became homeless she bought a Bible, continued to pray and ask others for prayer. She insisted on getting a hand up in this world, not a hand out. Ms. Elizabeth shared how many people she has been blessed to have in her life. She shared that so many people struggling with homelessness and mental illness don't take the difficult steps to get better and rely on the hand outs she tried so hard to avoid. 

In the 25 minutes I spoke with Ms. Elizabeth it became evident that she just wanted someone to share in her happiness. She didn't want pity for her hard life but wanted to share in the joy of answered prayers. She is an incredible reminder that a hard life is no reason to give up on God. Her faith stays constant in any situation and the obstacles make the reward that much sweeter. 

Right before her stop she told me her mother always said everyone just needs someone to talk to. No one lives in this world by themselves. Her mother was so right. It can be so easy to go through life thinking no one understands what you are going through. It can be so easy to isolate ourselves from people who are different from us but SO much can be learned by simply talking. Talking and listening to a relative stranger. Ms. Elizabeth is no longer a stranger, she is a source of inspiration. I cannot wait to see her, smile and wave and ask her how her job is. We should all take after her belief in getting a hand up in life not a hand out.

Thank you, Ms. Elizabeth, for sharing. 

A Lukewarm Christian Is As Bad As Lukewarm Coffee

Things learned in Philly:

• "yous" is not nearly as catchy as "y'all"
• scarf weather comes much earlier here than Arkansas
•  A good book can take you far
• It's hard not being close to your best friends
• If you're nice enough to a friar he may buy you a beer
• Three year olds don't quite grasp the concept of a structured environment
• What was once "daily wear" now constitutes as "dress-down" wear
• The quest for the best cheesesteak may in fact never end
• A mother's advice whether in person or over the phone is still unbelievably helpful

It's weird, I was talking with my friend and old roommate, Margaret, who is living in Boston for the year and going through something similar to me. We were seen in Arkansas as these big city slickers coming from St. Louis but here we are seen as country-folk. In the last 4 years she and I have gotten really good at being the outsiders. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it sucks. I am normally one to thrive on difference. I like talking to new people from new places doing new things. I think Margaret would agree. For the past couple of days though I have been getting an itch for familiarity. I'm sure this is normal, but it's also bothersome. 

I was talking to my incredible advice-giving mother today about the new stress of where to go from here. I know, I know, you must be surprised to hear me planning already. (ohhh the sarcasm) Anyway, after expressing the frustration to my mom about the backwardness of the American education system and how expensive life is, she helped me to realize how incredibly blessed I am. Blessed with the time to do my research. Blessed with the time to build my resume. Blessed with the time to also pause the grad school application process and explore a new city. A city that I'm not sure I'll be ready to leave in a year (hence the open tabs on my computer to different MSW programs in Philadelphia). I am blessed beyond words in so many areas of my life, and while I wanted to scream earlier today with the curse of grad school, she helped me turn it around. 

Along with all these blessings, I am also blessed with the time to read good books. I am currently rereading Crazy Love, by Francis Chan. In one of the chapters he discusses what a "lukewarm Christian" is and how easy it is to become one. Let me share a section that really hit close to home. It's kind of long, but bare with me-I will make a connection at the end!

"Lukewarm people do not live by faith: their lives are structured so they never have to. They don't trust God if something unexpected happens-they have their savings account. They don't need God to help them-they have retirement plans in place. They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live-they have life figured and mapped out. They don't depend on God on a daily basis-their refrigerators are full and, for the most part, they are in good health. The truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God." 

Here's my connection: I have seen and experienced the people Chan takes a whole chapter to describe. I don't believe I am currently one of those people by any means-but I do have a fear of becoming one. My mom reminded me today that I can't function without a plan. Sometimes I am content if I know I'm living out God's plan but sometimes I try to take the reins and it doesn't always end in contentment. My mom suggested that maybe my plan for the year is to do what I'm doing: using the time I have been blessed with to explore my options. The option from God's plans will shine through eventually, I can't forget that. 

I need a plan. But I also need God. That is how I know that I am more than lukewarm. 

I have been reminded by countless people that grad school is expensive and social workers don't make a lot of money so I better plan for that. What if God's plan isn't for me to make a bunch of money and live comfortably just yet? Maybe these student loans that everyone is telling me I should be scared of is just another way to depend more on God. After all, anyone going into social work or really any helping profession isn't normally doing it for the money. My career and my life won't be based on monetary success. It will be based on how well I can follow God's plan. 

More to come from Philly later!

Sometimes a girl just needs a water-ice

Things I've learned since moving to Philly-

• You can fit a surprising amount of stuff into two 50 pound bags at the airport
• But if you have nice parents they will ship you what you couldn't fit!
• Philly is nothing like I expected, but everything I needed
• They say things differently here
• The Augustinian Catholics like to make jokes about the Jesuits
• There is no better snack than chocolate covered almonds
• Living on a budget is going to be hard
• Journaling is good for the soul
• Having roommates is different than living in community (Augustinians are big on community if you didn't know)
• Being a plane ride away from family is much different than being a car ride away
• People from ALL walks of life take public transit
• When you ask "where's the best cheesesteak?" no two answers will be the same
• Rittenhouse square is where it's at

It felt like a movie. I had gotten my two bags from baggage claim and I just stood there for a second. Anxious. This is it. I'm here. And then proceeded trying to (and failing) gracefully roll two huge bags, a backpack, a carry-on, and the purse I had shoved into said carry-on in order to follow TSA requirements, out to the curb to have someone I had only talked to on the phone and in email come and pick me up. Nerves kicked in, what if I was the one with the most stuff? Should I be more excited? Less excited? Who am I going to be living with? Are they anything like me? Where am I living? What am I doing?

Long story short-I love it here. I love the people I work for, my fellow volunteers working at all the different sites, the neighborhood I live in, the girls I live with, I love it all. 

It felt like a movie. A picture perfect day, my boss told me to get off early and go enjoy the weather. I took the not so picture perfect public transit and got off near a quant little coffee shop, took an iced coffee to go and walked to one of the squares here- Rittenhouse to be exact. I got there, picked out my bench and just sat for a little bit. This is it, I thought, I am here. At that moment I was so happy  could have cried. Instead, I said a prayer, thanking God-the guy that made this all possible. I was so supremely happy. Looking back 6 months ago I was having panic attacks, wondering what I would be doing post-college. Never could I have dreamed of this, but man is it incredible. 

Being here has been a little hard of course. It's an adjustment living in a new city with new people and new jobs. I live with 3 other girls, all very fun, who are adjusting just the same. It's hard being away from home when exciting and/or tough things happen and I can't be around familiar people to experience them. It's tough not being in a school setting-what I am so familiar with and not focusing on what's next (I'm already worrying about the future) 

That being said, I had a little bit of a tough day today. I have been thinking of a friend who I wish more than anything I could give a hug to at this moment, I miss being able to talk to my mom and dad in person. I miss being near my sisters who are starting new areas of their life like me. I miss the proximity of my friends from high school and college. Nothing detrimental or agonizing happened today, it was just one of those "ick" days. One where you can't really describe to people around you why you may not be your chipper self because you don't know exactly why yourself. 

So you know what I did? I splurged. I got myself a water-ice (or what the rest of the world calls a snow cone...kind of...its not really one of those either-whatever, just look up "philadelphia+water ice" and you'll see) Oh and its not really a splurge to buy one from a street vendor but when you make $25 a week it can be. 

Okay now your wondering where the God is in this post-let me explain. It seems like God and I have this little agreement. When I start to have one of those "ick" days I try and find something to do to just get out of my head for a little while. Stop worrying for a bit to be reminded of His power (The whole 'cast your cares on Him for He cares' spiel-1 Peter 5:7-great verse to live by if you're an anxious person like me). Anyway, this weird thing Philly people love, water-ice, was what I did to give myself a break. I indulged in a sugary treat-half of which I spilled on the ground, childish I know. It was as if I had changed the channel and I was in another movie, happy music playing in the background, girl walking home in the sunshine, eating her water-ice, chit-chatting with people around, a man walking his two beautiful dogs, another person giving high-fives just because, happy news from home, and a little time to myself on a comfy couch to just enjoy the gift of life God has given me. Life in a new and exciting town. Life in a place that I feel fits. 

So, while I know I am not promised all good days this year while I am in Philly, I think I'm going to keep up my deal with God. He did a fantastic job reminding me of His gift to me today and the least I can do is indulge!

More to come from Philly in a bit!

A Christian Psychologist Walks Into a Movie Theatre...

Last night was girls night, and what did we do? What any group of girls would do-spend money to watch a movie (The Fault in Our Stars) that made each and everyone of us cry(I should note that I'm not one for gender stereotypes, but this one stands to be true) Anyway, it got me thinking-why does anyone pay money to watch a movie about loss that knowingly makes them cry? Maybe it's because we can relate or maybe it's to learn how to empathize. Perhaps it is just for a good cry. Whatever the reason, we confront ourselves with pain- but it is one that we can stand up from our seats and walk away from. What about the pain or loss we can't leave at the theatre?

I'm not a stranger to loss. When I was involved with Young Life we all had our own 'testimony'-essentially our life stories that told of our upbringing and the development of our relationship with God. The more I shared with my peers, the more I realized that so much of my relationship with God has been trying to figure out the pain I have experienced from either loss of a loved one or watching someone close to me struggle. Later, finding comfort in His arms when faced with those situations.

As a psychologist (I have a Bachelors degree now, I can call myself that) I have had the phrase "correlation NOT causation" drilled into my brain. We can't say what causes something to happen with 100% certainty so we just look at the two variables and compare. The two that I will be looking at for today's lesson-God and pain. After all 22 years of my life I have noticed the relationship works in both directions. Let me explain:

In the past I have talked about how tragedy has the power to lead people away from their faith or renew their beliefs. The more a person focuses on the loss in their life, and the pain caused by such, the less room in their head and heart there is for God. Their faith can't shine through the pain because it has consumed the person(essentially-more pain, less God) . However, the more we focus on God and our faith in both neutral and tragic times, the easier it is to realize that the pain during tragedy is only temporary (essentially, more God, less pain). God has planned for comfort in the future and if THAT is the point we can focus on, then we can heal. Granted, believing in God doesn't make the pain disappear by any means (remember-no causation), but it opens up the ability to heal in a positive way, to live focusing on God rather than the loss. It provides yet another chance to get an insight into God's plan and to strengthen the relationship between your spirit and the Holy spirit.

Even though I was able to get up and leave the movie theatre after seeing Augustus Waters and Hazel Grace Lancaster fall madly in love and then lose each other tragically, I wasn't really able to leave their pain behind. It's funny-one of the main quotes of the movie is "all pain demands to be felt"-indeed it does, but it is our choice to turn to God to help recover from the pain.

Every time I pray for a person, group or community going through something tragic I alway pray that the experience draws them closer to God rather than pushing them away. I pray they find comfort in God, not frustration, and I would encourage you to do the same.