The love that let us share our name

**This was a post I wrote while flying home from San Francisco, and am just now getting to posting it, enjoy!**

 

"Always remember that there's nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name."-The Avett Brothers

Have I said how grateful I am for my family? In all of my social work classes we learn about the importance of a social support network, comprised of family, friends, peers and mentors. I can attest how much easier life seems to be with such a great group surrounding me. 

I don't have any coffee in my hand, I think the number of lattes I had this week will compensate for my current lack of caffeine. I am on a plane while writing this listening to all sorts of music, mostly Mumford and Sons and other acoustic bands like the Avett Brothers and came across the lyric that I started this post with. It couldn't have come at a better time because I have been thanking God this entire week for surrounding me with such a wonderful family. 

Dad planned an INCREDIBLE trip for our family, that could have only been made better if Kelley had been able to make it. We got to visit with cousins Lauren and Ted and his wife Jess, see God's beautiful creation that is California and celebrate my 21st year on this Earth (thanks mom for what you went through 21 years ago!) 

I wonder every once in a while how I got to be so lucky. It still amazes me the wonderful, undeserving gifts God has given me, starting with my family. I don't have the answer, and to be honest I don't think I want to know how I got to be so lucky because then I wouldn't have moments like this, sitting in an airplane where I can't think of anything to do other than to praise God. He has provided me with motivation to love and to share His love because I can feel His constant love. 

It breaks my heart knowing there are people in the world unaware of this unending love. There are people that don't have great sisters, cousins, parents, and friends. It is my hope and constant prayer that I can reach out to a few of those in my lifetime. I guess I try and always appear in the image of Christ to show those who might not yet know that God's love that it is near. 

If I can love my children half as much as my parents love me, they will be the luckiest children in the world. They will have incredible aunts as well. Most of all though, if I can show my future children the unending love of God, I will never be afraid they won't be immersed in love.

God has the roadmap, I'm just trying to follow it.

Last week I tried really hard to post. I took my computer to the coffee shop, I was listening to my favorite Christian songs, I had a great cup of coffee and I had my Bible. I had a few things I wanted to mention, but I couldn't put it into words. I sat there like a fool for an hour with a blank page. I would fill it up every once in a while and then select all of it just to delete it. It was another one of those moments where God was telling me, "not yet...something better will come of this." So, frustrated, I finished my coffee, put my headphones back in and walked home. An hour seemingly wasted, with no blog to share.

Then this week happened. God was right, I have something to post about.

Let me start by saying I have a great friend and mentor in my professor from my trip to Ghana, Dr. Andrea Arrington, the woman I speak of in this post. She has come to know me as someone who likes a plan, and reminds me that I don't always have to have one for the next 10 years. This week I went to her saying that I tried really hard just living in this semester and year for what it is. Her advice was to take classes I wanted to and not think too much about the future. That lasted about 6 months...then my planning mind got the best of me. I told her that and she laughed, she knows me too well.

God has been playing with my heart lately, putting a new idea of what my future holds in my head. Before this week I hadn't voiced it, because I didn't know if I had the courage to follow what He had planned. I had been asking people for prayers of courage to follow Him, but I hadn't found that courage...not yet.

I finally said it out loud to Dr. A. I wasn't sure the path I was taking to become a school social worker was the right one anymore. I wasn't sure it would allow me to utilize my African Studies minor the way I want to. I wasn't sure going straight into grad school is right for me. I was scared that by doing so, my trip to Ghana was going to be that one time I went to Africa, not the first time. I was scared that it would be too hard to change my focus this late in the game though, that I should just keep going with at-risk education because that was what I had been doing for the past 3 years. I have opportunities lined up in that area, I have a heart for it. What God and what Dr. A reminded me though, was that I also have a heart for Africa. As cliche as that sounds, had I not gone to Ghana last summer I would not have discovered how many opportunities are out there for me to stay connected to Africa.

So I made a change of heart. I listened to God. I talked with my mom that day, the best mom in the world, and told her about my scary realization. It was scary for me because it strayed away from any plan I had previously made for myself. My mom reminded me though that God has His arms wrapped around me. As scary as this new plan is, He won't let me fall. If I had this feeling on my heart, He put it there for a reason. She reminded me that I'm not giving up on at-risk education/social work, that opportunity will always be around. I am simply listening to God's voice.

After some tears, and lots of talking it out, I am taking off on a new direction. I'm not 100% sure what direction that is but one of my favorite quotes- "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." The road I was on was taking me to at-risk school social work, the road I am on now is headed towards international social work. God has the roadmap, I'm just trying to follow it.

Thank you Dr. A, mom, and dad for getting me to voice what God placed on my heart.

We are His portion and He is our prize

The semester is in full swing! This is by far my busiest semester yet, with harder classes, work, being the stage manager of a play (yup, for the African and African Studies department...it comes out on April 6 & 7, see you then!) and trying to be more involved socially, its hard to find time for a break! I have to say I enjoy it though, I would much rather be busy that bored. One thing I am having difficulty with though is finding time to read my Bible and take some personal time with God. I find myself talking to God a lot, asking Him questions and such, but I haven't seemed to listen as much as I have in the past.

I went to a new church yesterday with my roommate from Freshman year, Liz, and got a good serving of God. An hour or so of worship with song and prayer is what I needed and her church gave me just that. It was very different from the Catholic church, but still very beneficial.

It's funny how God knows all of the little associations I make when it comes to Bible verses and songs. For example, the song "How He Loves" will ALWAYS remind me of my time at Timber Wolf Lake as a Summer Staffer, and Hillsong's "I'll Stand" will immediately make me open my arms, stand, and pray for Him to live without fear of His timing. Those two songs played at yesterday's service and really got to me.

When "How He Loves" began to play all I could do was smile and sing along. My Summer Staff family and Young Life in general has been on my mind lately so hearing that song really made me feel like God has been listening. He knows what's on my heart, and let me know that it is there for a reason.

This winter I applied for an internship with a Young Life camp and unfortunately did not get it. I was a little heart broken. How could they not want me? What am I going to do with my summer? I thought this was in God's plan, how could it not be? I I haven't been as involved in Young Life here as much as I would have thought I would be and sometimes that bothers me. However, I do know that God has reminded me before and maybe again yesterday, "not yet". There will come a time when I am ready to go back to Young Life, to serve high school kids in a way that so many people have served me, but maybe I'm not in a place right now that makes me ready to. I know I will never have my faith 100% figured out, who would want that? But maybe God is having me hold off for something.

I am still learning from my experience with Summer Staff a couple years ago, and God reminded me of that with yesterday's song. As much as it hurts thinking I won't be spending my time at a camp this summer, it has to be for good reason. God has something planned for me to grow, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) All I have to do is keep living a life geared towards Him and I will learn step by step what that plan is.

Hillsong's song at yesterday's service reinforced the notion that I have to trust His timing, not to fear it won't happen and make my own plans. The plans I make my self cannot ever compare with the plans He has in mind for me. We all struggle with delayed gratification, and trusting His timing is the ultimate test, but it is worth it.

I still have no idea what I am going to do with my summer, and it scares me to no end. If anyone has a job opportunity for a soon to be Senior Psychology, Social Work, and African and African American Studies student, let me know! (I'm serious...I would love a suggestion!) In the mean time, I will be continuing to try and listen more to see if God is going to reveal the next part of His plan for me.

Happy 2013!

Happy 2013 everyone! Sorry it has been so long since I have posted, lots of things have happened since my last post, but I haven't seemed to find the time to write about them. I'm back at school with a little bit of free time so I hope I can wrap up all that God has done for me the past month or so!

Well, my sister Kelley got engaged over break...that's pretty darn exciting! My family and I knew when it was happening but had to keep it a secret of course and let me tell you, it was hard. If you ever want a test of willpower, try living with someone you know is about to experience such an exciting time of their life, but they have no clue and you can't be the one to tell them! Matt (the fiance) has said before he was waiting for his name to appear in this blog so I guess there wouldn't be a better time then now to mention him! He is a great guy, not only am I excited to have a fellow redhead in the family, but I am excited for him specifically to be my brother-in-law. He makes Kelley so happy and that is all a sister can ask for, really. As a Christian I live to serve others, and to delight in their happiness. Matt has allowed me to delight in both his and Kelley's happiness and I love the idea of having another person added to the family. I'm sure my dad is happy to have an actual guy in the family and not just male dogs! I cannot wait to see how this wedding and more importantly marriage turns out, if it is any reflection of the marriage between my mom and dad, and from what I have seen of Matt's parents, Kelley and Matt will be blessed for the rest of their life. 

More exciting news in the family...Maggie has sold a million dollars worth of houses! I am reminded today of that success today from the cup that holds my coffee, it was a Christmas gift that has her company's logo on it! Go Keller Williams!

It is such a joy seeing both my sisters being successful in their lives. I have nothing but praises to God regarding my family this year and that is more than I could ever ask for!

Okay, moving past my family. Normally I have a list of New Year's resolutions ready by the time January 1 comes along, but this year I didn't. Last year I had two big resolutions. The first was to get in shape (along with what seems like the rest of the world) before I went to Ghana. I wanted to be able to keep up with the long days I knew I would face and more than that just be confident in my ability to live a healthy lifestyle. I think I had accomplished that by the time I went to Ghana and continue to practice that healthy lifestyle today. Another resolution was to take risks. I make this resolution every year to push myself to do things out of my comfort zone...in a positive way! I think I accomplished that more than ever this past year! Who knew I would go to Africa, declare two new minors my Junior year, get a tattoo that I couldn't be happier with and continue to dive into my faith without knowing where it will take me. I think the biggest risk of all this year is relying on God more than ever to lead me everywhere, not just in one aspect of my life, but in all. 

This year however, I am struggling to find a New Year's resolution other than to continue to take risks. Until today it bothered me. I've ALWAYS had a resolution. Today though, I realized that maybe it is okay for me not to. Maybe that means I am finally at a point in my life where I am more than content, I'm happy, with how I live. I've always had things to tell God I want to change in my life. I've always had aspects about my faith, school, friends, relationships that I wish I could change and I thought I had to wait until the New Year to do something about them. Why wait until January 1st to do so? I think I realized that this past year and have reached a new kind of happiness. It is a confident happy, one that I know I am happy because of the hard work I've put into each aspect of my life and I'm not waiting for someone or something else to determine my happiness. For a long time my attitude and my happiness was determined by comparing my life to others. This year, I found joy in looking past comparison and actually serving others, and looking inward and seeing worth in what I have accomplished without comparing it to anything. 

So this year I may not have a resolution, but that is okay. I like to think of it maybe as a New Year's Continuation. I want to keep going with what I discovered this past year and maybe in April or September I come up with a resolution that I know I can start right then and there and not wait until 2014. 

The spirit of one has an impact on many

 Today's post concerns the passing of a Kirkwood High School alumnus, one year younger than me. I write that and I am immediately taken back. The fact that someone younger than me could be taken away from this earth. I write that and I think of all the things she could have become, or done. I write that and I think about all the things I still want to become and do, but have so ignorantly put on the backburner, thinking I still have time. 

The loss of a Kirkwood alum, one who I personally did not know, has had an impact on the community as a whole. It reaches to people like me, that didn't know her, and it reaches to her closest friends. Her family is mourning, but the community is reaching out to them. I, along with many others have struggled with the loss of someone close in the past. It hurts. A lot. It's not easy to comprehend at first, and it may never be so. I think a lot of people, myself included, when going through this kind of surreal happening tend to think, "How could this happen?" or  "Why did this happen?"

Emily was taken from this earth far too early, in the heart of those who knew her. She had plans, I'm sure. For people who don't believe in Christ, it may be easy to say, "If He is so great, why did He let this happen?" That's a tough one. I have asked that before. The answer? Well, maybe He didn't mean to. In the absence of God, things happen. Another possible explanation? Maybe God's plan and her plan were different. It's hard to comprehend. I struggled with that idea in the past because of the loss of a friend but maybe, just maybe, the loved one that we lost already did what was on God's to-do list for them. I know for a fact Emily made tons of people smile. She inspired others. She loved others. I know Emily touched a lot of hearts, heck, she touched mine and I never met her. Maybe that was what God wanted her to do. She has a lasting impact, just a day after her passing. 

When I was 12 or so I lost a best friend who was just a year older than me. I struggled for a long time why God would take her away from me, from her family. She was supposed to become a teacher with me, she was supposed to ice skate, she was supposed to be something. Anything. Then someone told me something I will never forget. Sometimes, God puts people on this earth, just to make others smile. We think that she was supposed to do something. We think our knowledge is better than that of God's. Why? Because it is easier to place blame from a horrible event, than to accept the lesson He is busy teaching us. As hard as it still is for me to accept the loss of my friend Rachel, 8 years later, I now know that all of those things she was supposed to become were in my head. God intended for her spirit to make me smile, and that is just what she did. 

Not only did Rachel's and Emily's life have an impact on so many, but their death did too. By donating her organs, Rachel's family saved the life of three others. She taught me how to be grateful for what I have. So far, by Emily's passing, people have learned the importance of driving safe, as well as cherishing every single moment. We have to remember that God does have a plan for us, one that may differ completely from what we have in mind. We have to remember not to hold back in life just because it may not be comfortable, He didn't promise comfort. 

So my encouragement to everyone reading this is to tell people you love them. Forgive those who need it. Apologize to the people you have hurt intentionally, or unintentionally. It isn't worth holding a grudge. Thank everyone around you for being there. Smile. Live. 

God is present. Always.

A couple months ago I wrote here about my experience in Ghana influencing my faith. I wrote about the Adinkra symbols I saw in Ghana, specifically Nyame Dua, or the presence of God. I also mentioned the idea that I might get a tattoo of this symbol near my ankle, and well, I did it. I got the tattoo that I have been praying about and considering for a while. I couldn't be happier.

Before I got the tattoo I had a long breakfast with my old Young Life leader and good friend Jamie. It came up that I was going to be getting the tattoo while I was home for Thanksgiving break and she offered some really great advice. She, having a tattoo herself, was of course excited for me. Her tattoo is a beautiful piece done with I believe Lilies, and a pink breast cancer ribbon to honor the passing of her father and mother (Jamie if I am mistaken, please let me know!). I was telling her about how I landed on a symbol from Ghana and how once I got the respect from my parents I started praying and asking God for signs that this was the right thing for me to do. At a certain point I figured out that I was stressing out over not seeing these positive signs. I didn't see anything with God saying, "go ahead, do it." and was starting to get irritated. Finally I realized, I was busy searching for all these affirmative signs when all I needed to see was that God wasn't sending any NEGATIVE signs. He hadn't sent out any "No! Don't do it!" I voiced this observation with Jamie and she said something great. Sometimes God places these desires, ones that we can't always explain, because He wants us to do it. He wants us to be able to decide some things on our "own", without Him making it blatantly obvious. These desires are a good thing. After Jamie explained that I couldn't figure out how to thank her, because she had just put into words what I had been experiencing for 3 years almost. God placed the desire for me to get a tattoo praising His love and His work in my life, I just needed time to realize it.

So I went in to the tattoo shop on the Saturday of break with my roommate and friend, Margaret, and handed over the painting of the symbol I made a couple months ago. He traced it, sized it down, and placed th stencil on my ankle. It all felt right. After getting the placement right and watching ever so clearly to make sure he was pulling out a sterile needle (I am my mother's daughter) he began. I told Margaret she had to talk to me the whole time because I needed a distraction. I didn't complain, but the more it hurt, the quicker I talked and I know Marge picked up on it! 20 minutes later, I had a tattoo.

It was incredible. The feeling that I had after looking down and seeing my tattoo was COMPLETELY different than what I was expecting. I was thinking it was going to be this huge, emotional moment. I thought I was going to feel the weight of God on me...in a good way. I thought I was going to feel this fulfillment. I felt none of those. What did I feel? I felt like that symbol should have been there all along. I felt confirmation that it was the right thing for me to do. This bothered me for a little. I wanted that big moment, where I could just feel God. Or at least I thought I did. Today I realized something. I already had that moment. I already felt that rush of God's grace. I felt that when I accepted Him into my heart at camp a while back. I felt that when I started my walk of faith. Now, luckily, I get to continuously feel God as a part of my soul, a part of my attitude. Not because of this tattoo...it helps, a lot more than I thought it would, but because God is continuously fighting for me. God is continuously present, as He was before I accepted my faith, but I know that now.

The tattoo has already done wonders. As humans, we are in a continuous battle of trying to be self-sufficient, but as Christians letting God in at the same time. The moments, while few, that I have forgotten to think of God since I have gotten the tattoo, all it takes is a glance to my ankle and I am reminded. I remember that while I try and be stand on my own, I need God to do so. I need God in every aspect of my life. I couldn't be happier to know that I have that reminder with me for the rest of my walk of faith. The road is long, and winding. I know I am not alone in saying that I have strayed away from God's plans in the past, and I'm not saying I won't now that I have this tattoo, because well, I'm human. What I am saying is hopefully this tattoo can remind me that I can always return to His plans if I do falter. He will always be with me.


Tattoos create controversy. I am well aware of this. If you are reading this and still have questions about why I got my tattoo, please don't feel weird asking. I got this tattoo knowing that there will be times when it will be opposed, and I will be critiqued for it. With that in mind, I know that there are many other parts of my life that I will be critiqued for, and just as I can't help a lot of those aspects, I now can't help this one. I became a Christian and got this tattoo despite future persecution for either.

Waiting to be someone's Eve

Today's topic is a little awkward for me to talk about, but is one that needs some light shed on it. I know there are people out there like me, that are scared to put it out there, but this whole blog is meant for me to share my faith, unashamedly, so others can maybe learn something or feel that they can relate. So here it goes...

...I'm saving myself for marriage. Growing up and through high school, I guess it was my ignorance to the real world and my involvement in my faith that kept me from the 'norm', but I didn't think it was that abnormal for me to save myself for my future husband. Once I got to college, I learned that close to 80% of people will have had sex by the the time they are 20. In high school, it wasn't a big deal for me, or really anyone around me. But now, the 20 year old virgin seems to be this strange concept on college campuses. I think a lot of it is how relationships seem to speed up in college, and also the fact that people are starting long term relationships that they wouldn't be mature enough to in high school. It also seems that this is the time people can just 'hook up' and feel no guilt walking away. Again, because of my faith, I can't seem to do that.

I understand for people with less strong of faith, or with no faith at all it isn't as big of a deal to hook up with someone, to have sex with someone who isn't their husband or wife. As humans we desire touch, affection, love. That's true. What I have a hard time with is the idea of sharing that affection, that love, with someone who might not love me back. I know God has a great man in mind for me. Just as Eve was made for Adam, "Then the man said, This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man." (Genesis 2:23) I know I am made for a specific man. The hard part is waiting for him to come around. Christians, especially Christian women, have been made fun of a bit on this topic, and I agree...a lot of times its exaggerated. We throw around the sayings "leave room for Jesus", "He doesn't have God in him" and "God put him in my life for a reason" more than non Christians can understand. This site has some funny, exaggerated, 'Christian Girl' sayings, like this one...

...again, funny and exaggerated! 

I think the individual needs to set their limits on what they consider pure. There isn't any line that God has created that shows when pure becomes impure. For me, I don't want to do anything I would be ashamed to tell my future husband. Nothing that I regret sharing with someone who isn't going to be by my side forever. Like I said, it's a personal decision. One that not everyone makes, and that's okay. What I ask, is to be respected for it.

It's hard. When people find out I am as 'innocent' as I am, they seem to get the idea that I don't desire the same thing they do. That I don't want the physical affection and love that comes with a relationship. I do. But what I don't want is to share that with someone I won't remember years down the road. I don't want to do the whole 'one night stand' thing. I'll tell you, it is damn hard to be the confident, 20 year old virgin on a college campus, because of all the stereotypes that come with being 20 year old, college girl.  I am made out to be this strange species, but just as I am unashamed of my love for Christ, I am unashamed of my love for myself, and my future husband.

Sorry if this wasn't a topic you were expecting to read about me. But maybe one day, my future husband will read this blog and appreciate it!