Entering the scary place to follow

I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's funny how God works. Just when I think I've asked an impossible question to answer, He sends me an answer like it's nothing.

At the beginning of the summer I decided to read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It has been on my bucket list of books to read and I bought it on Amazon. Let me tell you, if you are looking for a good introduction into Christian reading, this book is meant for you. I knew that going into it, thinking it would be about steps in Christianity I have already surpassed. One (of many) aspects of Christianity Miller wrote about that I haven't put much effort in thinking about was giving back. He shares stories of his secular life that influenced his Christian life. The one that got me thinking was his conversation with a friend who faithfully gives 10% of his earnings to the church. He later inquires with another friend who works for a church about the importance of giving money rather than volunteering, prayer, etc. A topic I've been wanting to know the answer of for a while. I loved his response so let me share it.

"When we do what God wants us to do, we are blessed, we are spiritually healthy...By setting aside money from every check, you are trusting God to provide. He wants you to get over that fear-that fear of trusting Him. It is a scary place, but that is where you have to go as a follower of Christ..."

This hit home to me. I realized I haven't been giving to an organization that pushes for God's work on Earth, and just like Miller I have felt guilty about it. Now, I am still under my parents roof, with their checks going to my tuition and rent (which I'm forever grateful for) but that should be more reason for me to give some of the money I do have to Christ rather than to the cute shirt at the mall.

So I finished reading the book back in June...it is close to the end of July...I'm embarrassed to say I still haven't given. I have been trying to figure out who to give to. I could do the church, like Miller did. I could do a Christian organization. I could do a homeless shelter. I could give to all of these places. How do I decide? Enter Winston and Father Gary.

Last Sunday, Father Gary spoke in his homily about how to decide who to give time, effort, or money to when there are so many worthy causes. It was based on the story of the Samaritan in the Bible who took care of the ill man on the road right in front of him. God's message isn't to wait to hear who you should help in the future, it is to help the person right in front of you, right now.

That person right in front of me is Winston, and his soon to be wife Alissa. I know Winston from Young Life camp and I can honestly say he is one of the most giving people I have ever met. After camp he gave two years of his life teaching in Tanzania because he felt it was where God was leading him. He met Alissa there and now at the end of the two years, he feels he is being called back. They will return with jobs that either don't pay or are not enough to cover their expenses. They are relying on prayer, donations and God to get them through. They are entering that scary place Donald Miller's friend spoke of.

It clicked. By giving to Winston and Alissa, I am relying on God. I am honoring his work on Earth. It won't be much, just as Miller didn't have much to give originally, but I can only be envious of Alissa and Winston for relying so faithfully on God they are getting rid of their fear that God won't provide.

I just love when God answers my prayer so blatantly that I have to laugh. I sat in church that day knowing He was sending an answer and I am so glad I was listening.

Remembering a very important man

So I have this box. It was a gift from a few friends (I think...maybe just one) for my 18th birthday. The only reason I remember it was for my 18th was because it has "18 reasons why we love Abby Mac" on the inside of the lid. It has all sorts of bible verses written on it and I have deemed it my letter box. It has letters from anyone and everyone that I have felt the need to keep from different parts of my life to now, along with old journals, pictures, and other knick knacks that are special to me.

Every once in a while I pull out this box. It's a fun way to remember different parts of my life from high school, Young Life, going off to college, my first year at Arkansas, all the way up to my most recent birthday. Let me tell you though, every time I cry. It doesn't matter which letters I read, I always end up in tears.

This time it was a letter from my dad written on April 4, 1996. A long time ago, right? Let me explain. While my sisters and I grew up, my parents went to a retreat to focus the importance of faith and wrote us letters while there for us to read at a different points in our life. In 1996 my dad wasn't writing for four year-old Abby to read, but young adult Abby. This letter was about my grandfather-Gramps as everyone called him, who passed away when I was two.

I was already thinking of Gramps tonight because there was a big thunderstorm here in Fayetteville and I remember my dad saying Gramps loved to sit and watch and listen to storms. I'm happy to have inherited that trait.

What brought me to tears was reading how much my dad loved Gramps and how great of a man he was. I wish I knew that man more. I wish I knew the man that made my dad the wonderful dad he is. I love hearing stories and memories about Gramps from my family, and I love knowing Gramps isn't too far away from me, watching me grow up. I find strength in knowing that he is close.  My dad wrote, "You may not have realized it then, but you were held, touched, and loved by God thru Gramps. He had a wonderful touch and gift." I may not remember Gramps holding me, but I have a feeling it was similar to the feeling I get knowing he is watching over me from heaven.

It's times like these when I am reminded of how great of a man that my grandfather was that makes me grateful to have such a wonderful family. I thank God for these reminders.

I am somehow surprised to be brought to tears every time I open this box. They are always happy tears, and always remind me of the love I have found here on God's creation and the love that I have waiting for me above.

Accepting Undeserving Love.

Every once in a while I find a video that inspires me. A video that reminds me why I am constantly trying to live a life Christ would approve of and be proud of. I've shared one of those videos before, in this post. These videos really gets to my core and make me grateful for God's undeserving love.

I say undeserving because it's true. I don't, we don't, deserve the kind of love Christ has for us. The kind of love in which Christ DIED for us. There are a few people in the world that I would die for, and that is because they have gained my trust and love. Christ not only died for every person you will meet, He did it without waiting to see if we would give Him love. He did it without a second thought. Dying for us was His purpose.

Back to the videos. My incredibly inspirational friend who might as well be my sister, Mikkia, shared this video with me and our other good friends. If you have 9 minutes, go ahead and watch it. It involves the story of Barabbas during Jesus' crucifixion.   Pilate gave the people the option of setting free Jesus or Barabbas...I think you know who they chose. The speaker in the video makes an interesting comparison. He explains that we are Barabbas, we are the criminals, the sinners. We are the ones that deserve a crucifixion for going against Jesus and against God, but have been given this incredible gift of life by Jesus.

There are too many good quotes from this video for me to share, but one that I felt important to point out was when the speaker said "your greatest challenge is believing in the gospel. Could it be, that there is a God with a love so scandalous, so wide, so deep, so vast, so high, so expansive, so welcoming, so inclusive..."

I'll admit, sometimes I wonder why God would still accept me after everything I've done. Why would He accept me, if I've questioned Him? This is what the speaker was getting at. It is the hardest thing in the world accepting love we don't deserve. It's the hardest thing in the world, knowing and accepting that there is not a SINGLE thing we could do to make God turn His back on us. Why is it so hard? Because we are incapable of loving someone like that. Sure there are people I would die for, but I wouldn't die for just anybody.

 It is a constant struggle for me to accept the love I feel from God. The speaker is right when he says God tells us to "go (daughter), live your life. I'll pay the price." Gosh, even sitting here writing this I wonder how God could love me as much as He does. What Christ did for me can never be paid back. I can't even get close to repaying Him for all He did. What I can do? Work on accepting this love and sharing it with others. That's why I'm writing this post today. To show that it is hard to accept Christ's love when you don't feel like you deserve it. That's just it though, none of us do. But we have had it given to us.

I work everyday to try and pay Him back. I know I'll never get there, but it's the least I can do. I am going to show God and His creation the love I CAN give, and accept the love I will never be able to understand.

The benefits of social media

my newest addition to my coffee cup collection. I feel pretty cool drinking from it!  (Get it? It means Cool Beans!) 

For everything that may be wrong with social media, I love it. I love that I can discover websites, photos, job opportunities, songs, friends, anything on Facebook (and maybe more if I had a Twitter account). Last week I discovered both a cool blog post and incredible song. Like I have mentioned in my blog in the past, songs can have a huge effect on me. Last week I discovered this blog (song is included in it)

The blog is addressed as a letter to the church from a girl who went to a Macklemore concert and listened to a song about accepting gay marriage. She talks about the dangers of the church not accepting gay people. She talks about how the church is afraid of change. She talks about how that's not what God would want. I wholeheartedly agree with her.

As a Social Work minor I have to take a Human Diversity class. It is online and each week we talk about a different marginalized group here in the United States and ways to approach equality. This week we happened to talk about those who are gay, bisexual, or transgender. Of course this was a hot button issue with everything happening with gay marriage.

In the past I have talked about exactly what this fellow blogger spoke of-accepting and loving anyone. We as humans do not have the right to judge based on any particular characteristic, sexual orientation included. I truly believe a person is born a certain way, not all Christians do. In his song, Macklemore takes on the same belief I do by saying those opposite of me "think it's a decision and you can be cured with some treatment and religion. Man-made rewiring of a predisposition. Playing God..."

How can I tell someone the person they love isn't the right person? How can I not see a gay couple with all the tools to raise a child and not support it when we have unprepared couples raising children left and right? I am meant to love and be loved. I don't think I deserve, nor any human, to decide these things-playing God does not bode well for the person who tries to.

Macklemore's song, Same Love, embodies what it means to be accepting. He shares that the church and our society have not shown the respect all people deserve. There are more important quotes from his song than I can put on this blog so I really encourage you guys to watch the video on the blog I referenced above. The lyric that hits home for me is "I might not be the same, but that's not important, no freedom till we're equal, damn right I support it." The history of the United States is filled with efforts to create equality among everyone, whether it be Asian Americans, African Americans, women, the mentally and physically disabled, or those who love someone of the same sex. We have made great strides towards equal representation with minorities, and I believe soon enough I will be able to watch my friends who are gay walk down the aisle and marry the person they love.

Showing my support as a Catholic is a risky step to take, but it is one that needs to happen. I want to be known as a someone who emits the love of God to all I come into contact with, gay or straight, black or white. If a person is on this Earth, God put them here for a reason, He made them who they are. We can't mess with His beautiful work, we can only love and appreciate it. That is what I aim to do.

The love that let us share our name

**This was a post I wrote while flying home from San Francisco, and am just now getting to posting it, enjoy!**

 

"Always remember that there's nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name."-The Avett Brothers

Have I said how grateful I am for my family? In all of my social work classes we learn about the importance of a social support network, comprised of family, friends, peers and mentors. I can attest how much easier life seems to be with such a great group surrounding me. 

I don't have any coffee in my hand, I think the number of lattes I had this week will compensate for my current lack of caffeine. I am on a plane while writing this listening to all sorts of music, mostly Mumford and Sons and other acoustic bands like the Avett Brothers and came across the lyric that I started this post with. It couldn't have come at a better time because I have been thanking God this entire week for surrounding me with such a wonderful family. 

Dad planned an INCREDIBLE trip for our family, that could have only been made better if Kelley had been able to make it. We got to visit with cousins Lauren and Ted and his wife Jess, see God's beautiful creation that is California and celebrate my 21st year on this Earth (thanks mom for what you went through 21 years ago!) 

I wonder every once in a while how I got to be so lucky. It still amazes me the wonderful, undeserving gifts God has given me, starting with my family. I don't have the answer, and to be honest I don't think I want to know how I got to be so lucky because then I wouldn't have moments like this, sitting in an airplane where I can't think of anything to do other than to praise God. He has provided me with motivation to love and to share His love because I can feel His constant love. 

It breaks my heart knowing there are people in the world unaware of this unending love. There are people that don't have great sisters, cousins, parents, and friends. It is my hope and constant prayer that I can reach out to a few of those in my lifetime. I guess I try and always appear in the image of Christ to show those who might not yet know that God's love that it is near. 

If I can love my children half as much as my parents love me, they will be the luckiest children in the world. They will have incredible aunts as well. Most of all though, if I can show my future children the unending love of God, I will never be afraid they won't be immersed in love.

God has the roadmap, I'm just trying to follow it.

Last week I tried really hard to post. I took my computer to the coffee shop, I was listening to my favorite Christian songs, I had a great cup of coffee and I had my Bible. I had a few things I wanted to mention, but I couldn't put it into words. I sat there like a fool for an hour with a blank page. I would fill it up every once in a while and then select all of it just to delete it. It was another one of those moments where God was telling me, "not yet...something better will come of this." So, frustrated, I finished my coffee, put my headphones back in and walked home. An hour seemingly wasted, with no blog to share.

Then this week happened. God was right, I have something to post about.

Let me start by saying I have a great friend and mentor in my professor from my trip to Ghana, Dr. Andrea Arrington, the woman I speak of in this post. She has come to know me as someone who likes a plan, and reminds me that I don't always have to have one for the next 10 years. This week I went to her saying that I tried really hard just living in this semester and year for what it is. Her advice was to take classes I wanted to and not think too much about the future. That lasted about 6 months...then my planning mind got the best of me. I told her that and she laughed, she knows me too well.

God has been playing with my heart lately, putting a new idea of what my future holds in my head. Before this week I hadn't voiced it, because I didn't know if I had the courage to follow what He had planned. I had been asking people for prayers of courage to follow Him, but I hadn't found that courage...not yet.

I finally said it out loud to Dr. A. I wasn't sure the path I was taking to become a school social worker was the right one anymore. I wasn't sure it would allow me to utilize my African Studies minor the way I want to. I wasn't sure going straight into grad school is right for me. I was scared that by doing so, my trip to Ghana was going to be that one time I went to Africa, not the first time. I was scared that it would be too hard to change my focus this late in the game though, that I should just keep going with at-risk education because that was what I had been doing for the past 3 years. I have opportunities lined up in that area, I have a heart for it. What God and what Dr. A reminded me though, was that I also have a heart for Africa. As cliche as that sounds, had I not gone to Ghana last summer I would not have discovered how many opportunities are out there for me to stay connected to Africa.

So I made a change of heart. I listened to God. I talked with my mom that day, the best mom in the world, and told her about my scary realization. It was scary for me because it strayed away from any plan I had previously made for myself. My mom reminded me though that God has His arms wrapped around me. As scary as this new plan is, He won't let me fall. If I had this feeling on my heart, He put it there for a reason. She reminded me that I'm not giving up on at-risk education/social work, that opportunity will always be around. I am simply listening to God's voice.

After some tears, and lots of talking it out, I am taking off on a new direction. I'm not 100% sure what direction that is but one of my favorite quotes- "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." The road I was on was taking me to at-risk school social work, the road I am on now is headed towards international social work. God has the roadmap, I'm just trying to follow it.

Thank you Dr. A, mom, and dad for getting me to voice what God placed on my heart.

We are His portion and He is our prize

The semester is in full swing! This is by far my busiest semester yet, with harder classes, work, being the stage manager of a play (yup, for the African and African Studies department...it comes out on April 6 & 7, see you then!) and trying to be more involved socially, its hard to find time for a break! I have to say I enjoy it though, I would much rather be busy that bored. One thing I am having difficulty with though is finding time to read my Bible and take some personal time with God. I find myself talking to God a lot, asking Him questions and such, but I haven't seemed to listen as much as I have in the past.

I went to a new church yesterday with my roommate from Freshman year, Liz, and got a good serving of God. An hour or so of worship with song and prayer is what I needed and her church gave me just that. It was very different from the Catholic church, but still very beneficial.

It's funny how God knows all of the little associations I make when it comes to Bible verses and songs. For example, the song "How He Loves" will ALWAYS remind me of my time at Timber Wolf Lake as a Summer Staffer, and Hillsong's "I'll Stand" will immediately make me open my arms, stand, and pray for Him to live without fear of His timing. Those two songs played at yesterday's service and really got to me.

When "How He Loves" began to play all I could do was smile and sing along. My Summer Staff family and Young Life in general has been on my mind lately so hearing that song really made me feel like God has been listening. He knows what's on my heart, and let me know that it is there for a reason.

This winter I applied for an internship with a Young Life camp and unfortunately did not get it. I was a little heart broken. How could they not want me? What am I going to do with my summer? I thought this was in God's plan, how could it not be? I I haven't been as involved in Young Life here as much as I would have thought I would be and sometimes that bothers me. However, I do know that God has reminded me before and maybe again yesterday, "not yet". There will come a time when I am ready to go back to Young Life, to serve high school kids in a way that so many people have served me, but maybe I'm not in a place right now that makes me ready to. I know I will never have my faith 100% figured out, who would want that? But maybe God is having me hold off for something.

I am still learning from my experience with Summer Staff a couple years ago, and God reminded me of that with yesterday's song. As much as it hurts thinking I won't be spending my time at a camp this summer, it has to be for good reason. God has something planned for me to grow, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) All I have to do is keep living a life geared towards Him and I will learn step by step what that plan is.

Hillsong's song at yesterday's service reinforced the notion that I have to trust His timing, not to fear it won't happen and make my own plans. The plans I make my self cannot ever compare with the plans He has in mind for me. We all struggle with delayed gratification, and trusting His timing is the ultimate test, but it is worth it.

I still have no idea what I am going to do with my summer, and it scares me to no end. If anyone has a job opportunity for a soon to be Senior Psychology, Social Work, and African and African American Studies student, let me know! (I'm serious...I would love a suggestion!) In the mean time, I will be continuing to try and listen more to see if God is going to reveal the next part of His plan for me.